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sacrilicious13It's December 6, 2009.
One year ago, at 3:07 AM EST on December 6, 2008 my Mother died as I slept in the chair by her hospital bed. One year ago today was the worst day of my life. The grief was a raw open wound. I literally couldn't breathe. I remember standing outside in the biting Maine air gasping for breath at the realization that she was gone and that I was alone.
It's been a year. In a lot of ways, I'm amazed that I survived it. The past 365 days have been brutal because every day was the first day without her. In some ways, I'm can't believe it's only been a year. My old life and the person I used to be don't even feel real to me anymore. It feels like a movie I saw or a character in a book. I feel like I've aged ten years in the last one. In other ways, I can't believe that a full year has passed. I can't believe that it's December 6 again.
My life has changed so much in the past year. I drove across the country. I moved to Texas. I took my first plane ride. I made some incredible new friends, and cut loose some dead weight in my life. I met my dad and this whole other family that I didn't know I had.
My Mom loved me. She loved me more than anything else in the world. I never doubted that for one second of my life. She was everything to me, and I'm never going to stop feeling like something is absent from my life. It was supposed to be the two of us thick as thieves until the wheels fell off.
Everything that I am is because of who she made me. She was a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who worked two and three jobs so that we could live somewhere nice. She was a woman who watched Stephen King movies with me when I was in second grade cementing a lifelong love of horror. She was a woman who encouraged me to love reading and made sure I always had a book in my hand. She was a woman who taught me to be strong. She was my best friend. She was my whole world, and I miss her so much.
I still hate that things turned out this way. I'd still give anything to bring her back. And yes I do mean anything, crossroad demons and genocide included. I never claimed to be entirely balanced.
There are a few (okay a bunch) of people that I wanted to say a few things to just because life is uncertain and I don't believe in leaving things unsaid. In the words of Bobby Singer, "Family ain't just blood."
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kingnixon You are one of the kindest, most genuine people I have ever met. I may have completely failed at fencing, but it was worth the membership dues to meet one of the coolest people ever, even though I was too lazy to walk to your dorm until junior year. We've only managed to see each other like twice since graduation, but I consider you one of my best friends. You are radtastic.
deevious4 We don't get to talk much anymore, but the times we had in college are some of my best memories. Even though it sucked that your apartment didn't have heat, I was kind of glad because we got to have Gables slumber parties all the time. Hopefully I can make it to Jersey sometime next year and we can rock out.
prance_n_pray I love you, you little deadbeat. You have no idea how grateful I am that I got put in your Mom's English class my junior year, not just because your Mom is made of awesome but because a few years down the line I got to meet you and corrupt you with fanfiction. I really hope that you do end up moving down to Texas because I think we would have SUCH a blast.
brokebackjack Even though you never update this journal because you're too busy case racing yourself, I'm still mentioning you, Dave. Laura may be (mostly) out of our lives, but I am so glad we're friends. No matter how unhappy I am, you always manage to make me laugh, and you have no idea how much that has meant to me over the last year. You are the king of all bros. Come to Texas and I will buy you lapdances and tacos and we will ride off into the sunset in a Hummer and shoot zombies.
atrophic_dwarf I go for weeks without remembering that Facebook exists, so we don't get to talk a lot, but I am so glad we got back in touch. One of my big regrets after high school was being an idiot and losing touch with you. I'm glad the wonderful internet brought us back together.
allira_dream We don't know each other outside internet-land, but your words have been a great comfort to me over the past year. Just having someone to talk to who has been through what I've been through helped me a lot. Thank you for being such a wonderful, kind person.
Scott, I don't know if you still read this journal or not, but I'm so glad we became friends at William Arthur. I'm glad we got to hang out in Boston, and hopefully, we'll get to see each other the next time I head back East. I wish you and Sabrina nothing but happiness. No one deserves it more than you two.
sylviaandthe, contrariangie & slightly_mad The three of you are lovely. Running around on the rocks in Massachusetts in formal wear was one of the highlights of my summer. I hope you all come back to Texas for another two weeks because it was a blast. We should do a dramatic reading of the Draco trilogy.
coppertone I'm glad I was able to help you surprise Duia, and I hope you can come back and stay longer! We need to completely educate Duia in the wonders of 90s buddy cop shows.
eckerlilas We don't know each other that well yet, but you are awesome and I can't wait to meet little Logan.
mercurybard I'm glad that ours is the house you run away to when life gets sucky. You're awesome.
gryfindormia I am so glad you're back in the US. I hope you can make it down to Texas before you fly off again. It means so much to me that you and Duia tried so hard to do that fundraiser for my Mom.
blackwayfarers You are funny, sweet, and you saved my life from a terrible bug in my kitchen. I drove you to Sonic and helped you shop for your "sister." You introduced me to the wonders of 99 cent Manischewitz. Good times, man, good times.
torificus Australia is stupid and far away. Come home to Texas so I can finally meet you!
tamilou123 Girl, you know I love you. I'm so glad Cary put that add out on craigslist and brought you into the family. You're an incredible, hilarious, awesome person and I count myself lucky to know you. I don't buy tacos for just anyone.
lolscubadiver You are wonderful. You just make me happy with your scandalous ways and your cowboy boots and your no pants wearing self. Every house needs a Jenny stomping around!
And most of allduia I think we've both got enough Winchester in us that sometimes we shy away from the chick flick moments. Of course lately, I've been season 2 Dean where I'm sitting on cars having emotions. But what I'm trying to say is, you are one of the most amazing people I've ever met. I genuinely cannot imagine what my life would be like without you in it. Before we ever met, I considered you one of my closest friends. What you did for me when my Mom was dying is not something that a lot of people would have done. You put your life on hold for two weeks and flew to the frozen North to take care of me. In those awful last few days, you kept me sane. I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through it without you there to help me. I'm so glad that you got to meet my Mom too. I know, life has been pretty brutal for you in the past few years, but you're going to triumph in the end. You're one of the strongest people I know. You're smart, you don't give up, and you look damn good while doing all of it. As corny as it sounds, thank you for being you.
If I forgot anyone, I'm sorry. I love you all. I'm not 100% okay. I never will be because I'm always going to miss my Mom, but she wanted me to be happy and to have a home and friends. She wanted me to build a life. That's what I'm trying to do, and I hope all of you people are a part of it.
One year ago, at 3:07 AM EST on December 6, 2008 my Mother died as I slept in the chair by her hospital bed. One year ago today was the worst day of my life. The grief was a raw open wound. I literally couldn't breathe. I remember standing outside in the biting Maine air gasping for breath at the realization that she was gone and that I was alone.
It's been a year. In a lot of ways, I'm amazed that I survived it. The past 365 days have been brutal because every day was the first day without her. In some ways, I'm can't believe it's only been a year. My old life and the person I used to be don't even feel real to me anymore. It feels like a movie I saw or a character in a book. I feel like I've aged ten years in the last one. In other ways, I can't believe that a full year has passed. I can't believe that it's December 6 again.
My life has changed so much in the past year. I drove across the country. I moved to Texas. I took my first plane ride. I made some incredible new friends, and cut loose some dead weight in my life. I met my dad and this whole other family that I didn't know I had.
My Mom loved me. She loved me more than anything else in the world. I never doubted that for one second of my life. She was everything to me, and I'm never going to stop feeling like something is absent from my life. It was supposed to be the two of us thick as thieves until the wheels fell off.
Everything that I am is because of who she made me. She was a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who worked two and three jobs so that we could live somewhere nice. She was a woman who watched Stephen King movies with me when I was in second grade cementing a lifelong love of horror. She was a woman who encouraged me to love reading and made sure I always had a book in my hand. She was a woman who taught me to be strong. She was my best friend. She was my whole world, and I miss her so much.
I still hate that things turned out this way. I'd still give anything to bring her back. And yes I do mean anything, crossroad demons and genocide included. I never claimed to be entirely balanced.
There are a few (okay a bunch) of people that I wanted to say a few things to just because life is uncertain and I don't believe in leaving things unsaid. In the words of Bobby Singer, "Family ain't just blood."
kingnixon You are one of the kindest, most genuine people I have ever met. I may have completely failed at fencing, but it was worth the membership dues to meet one of the coolest people ever, even though I was too lazy to walk to your dorm until junior year. We've only managed to see each other like twice since graduation, but I consider you one of my best friends. You are radtastic.deevious4 We don't get to talk much anymore, but the times we had in college are some of my best memories. Even though it sucked that your apartment didn't have heat, I was kind of glad because we got to have Gables slumber parties all the time. Hopefully I can make it to Jersey sometime next year and we can rock out.prance_n_pray I love you, you little deadbeat. You have no idea how grateful I am that I got put in your Mom's English class my junior year, not just because your Mom is made of awesome but because a few years down the line I got to meet you and corrupt you with fanfiction. I really hope that you do end up moving down to Texas because I think we would have SUCH a blast.brokebackjack Even though you never update this journal because you're too busy case racing yourself, I'm still mentioning you, Dave. Laura may be (mostly) out of our lives, but I am so glad we're friends. No matter how unhappy I am, you always manage to make me laugh, and you have no idea how much that has meant to me over the last year. You are the king of all bros. Come to Texas and I will buy you lapdances and tacos and we will ride off into the sunset in a Hummer and shoot zombies. atrophic_dwarf I go for weeks without remembering that Facebook exists, so we don't get to talk a lot, but I am so glad we got back in touch. One of my big regrets after high school was being an idiot and losing touch with you. I'm glad the wonderful internet brought us back together.allira_dream We don't know each other outside internet-land, but your words have been a great comfort to me over the past year. Just having someone to talk to who has been through what I've been through helped me a lot. Thank you for being such a wonderful, kind person.Scott, I don't know if you still read this journal or not, but I'm so glad we became friends at William Arthur. I'm glad we got to hang out in Boston, and hopefully, we'll get to see each other the next time I head back East. I wish you and Sabrina nothing but happiness. No one deserves it more than you two.
sylviaandthe, contrariangie & slightly_mad The three of you are lovely. Running around on the rocks in Massachusetts in formal wear was one of the highlights of my summer. I hope you all come back to Texas for another two weeks because it was a blast. We should do a dramatic reading of the Draco trilogy.coppertone I'm glad I was able to help you surprise Duia, and I hope you can come back and stay longer! We need to completely educate Duia in the wonders of 90s buddy cop shows.eckerlilas We don't know each other that well yet, but you are awesome and I can't wait to meet little Logan.mercurybard I'm glad that ours is the house you run away to when life gets sucky. You're awesome.gryfindormia I am so glad you're back in the US. I hope you can make it down to Texas before you fly off again. It means so much to me that you and Duia tried so hard to do that fundraiser for my Mom.blackwayfarers You are funny, sweet, and you saved my life from a terrible bug in my kitchen. I drove you to Sonic and helped you shop for your "sister." You introduced me to the wonders of 99 cent Manischewitz. Good times, man, good times.torificus Australia is stupid and far away. Come home to Texas so I can finally meet you!tamilou123 Girl, you know I love you. I'm so glad Cary put that add out on craigslist and brought you into the family. You're an incredible, hilarious, awesome person and I count myself lucky to know you. I don't buy tacos for just anyone.lolscubadiver You are wonderful. You just make me happy with your scandalous ways and your cowboy boots and your no pants wearing self. Every house needs a Jenny stomping around!And most of all
duia I think we've both got enough Winchester in us that sometimes we shy away from the chick flick moments. Of course lately, I've been season 2 Dean where I'm sitting on cars having emotions. But what I'm trying to say is, you are one of the most amazing people I've ever met. I genuinely cannot imagine what my life would be like without you in it. Before we ever met, I considered you one of my closest friends. What you did for me when my Mom was dying is not something that a lot of people would have done. You put your life on hold for two weeks and flew to the frozen North to take care of me. In those awful last few days, you kept me sane. I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through it without you there to help me. I'm so glad that you got to meet my Mom too. I know, life has been pretty brutal for you in the past few years, but you're going to triumph in the end. You're one of the strongest people I know. You're smart, you don't give up, and you look damn good while doing all of it. As corny as it sounds, thank you for being you.If I forgot anyone, I'm sorry. I love you all. I'm not 100% okay. I never will be because I'm always going to miss my Mom, but she wanted me to be happy and to have a home and friends. She wanted me to build a life. That's what I'm trying to do, and I hope all of you people are a part of it.
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no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 04:32 am (UTC)Texas is firmly on the agenda, I cannot wait to meet you too!
no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 04:34 am (UTC)I love you.
I said this to Mia earlier, and now I'm gonna say it to you: This shit year is almost over. This shit decade is almost over. We've got to rise from our own ash. We will.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 05:36 am (UTC)also: since the hell when does carter have a livejournal? how did i not know this?
alsoalso: the phrase "sitting on cars having emotions" cracked me up
no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 05:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 11:52 am (UTC)Keep holding it together. You've been doing amazing so far.
<3
and ps, my apartment had heat, I was just too poor to turn it on ;)
no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 11:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 02:38 pm (UTC)But seriously, thank you for opening your house to me even when I was a complete stranger who Duia would invite over and then...be elsewhere when I arrived.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-08 07:01 am (UTC)PS - Snow is horseshit.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-17 04:42 am (UTC)And you are a big part of mine. I'm happy we got back in touch, too.