Happy Birthday Mum.

I miss you.
sacrilicious13: (Goodbye)
It's been four years today.

What's four years? The length of my college career, the length of a presidential term, the amount of time my mother has been dead.

This time four years ago, I was broken. It had been scant hours since she took her last breath as I slept at her bedside. This time, I slept in my bed in my house when 3:07am on December 6th steamrolled by. This time then I was alternating between numb and wracked with pain. This time I went to work, smiled with my friends, and talked about how I despise customers like it was any other day. I spoke to my grandma on the phone and said nothing of the day. I didn't want to upset her.

I am a consummate actress.

No one is really able to understand how much I miss her. We had so much fun together over the years. We had adventures, even if they were no more exotic than driving aimlessly down a road in New Hampshire to see where it took us. I miss the freedom we had, driving to a different state on a whim, moving on when we tired of where we were. We grew up as gypsies together.

Four years ago, if the devil himself would have told me I could have her back but the world would burn, my only question would have been "Where do I sign?" Four years later, I still would.

I look at the life I've built now, the home I've create that houses the love of my life and the pets I adore. I look at the existence I've carved out of this land. The friends that I found when I drove my little blue car into a place I've never set foot before. I look at all of this, and more than anything I wish I could show it to her. I wish she could see what she helped build when she built me.

And I wonder. It's impossible not to wonder what my life would be if cancer had never ripped into our lives. I think about that girl sometimes, who she would have been and what she would be doing now. I like to think that she's out there somewhere, on some other plane of existence. She's living in North Carolina, running a bakery with her mother at her side. Her hair is still golden, and there's an innocence in her that comes from never having had your world ripped apart.

I'm 30 years old. Four years ago, I was a motherless child lost in the woods. Four years ago snow was falling outside and I was sitting in my room wondering what I was going to do alone in the years stretching out in front of me. I'm older now, in more ways than just the passing of days.

I ran away to Texas, and I found a life here. That doesn't stop me from missing the old one though. I miss watching movies together while the storms blew outside, the snow swirling outside the window making it feel like we lived inside a snowglobe. I miss oatmeal cookies and turkeys roasting in the middle of summer. I miss road trips and adventures. I miss my best friend.

I miss my Mom.
Happy Birthday and Happy Mother's Day to the best Mom to ever exist. It's been three years since I lost you and I still miss you every day. Going to watch the Gilmore Girls like we used to for the rest of May 13.


May. 11th, 2012 01:01 am
I've been walking around in this fog of flashbacks for the last few weeks.

Sunday is Mother's Day and my Mom's birthday.

It's been raining for the whole week and the weather is so much like summer in Maine that it's just killing me.

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I start absolutely aching for fall and the scent of wet leaves in the air and New England.

I miss the Atlantic. I miss riding the Amtrak down to Boston. I miss my job at William Arthur. I miss the way the air blowing through the birch trees in the White Mountains smells.

I miss seeing all those things with my Mom.

When I think about how much time has passed, it still blows my mind. She would like my life, I think. She would like my friends, she would like my house, she would like Joe. But I miss her. I miss spending time with her. The fact is, half my friends are scattered across the east coast and the other half are so busy with their lives that I never get to see them. Joe and I do a lot together, and that's wonderful, but I'm not going to drag him to the mall. I miss having someone to do girl stuff with.

The memories just keep flooding back and catching me off guard with their full on technicolor vividness. Walking down the dirt road I lived on to pick up the mail. Driving through the Old Port. The crows outside my window. Driving the back roads to take Mom to her doctor's appointments. Sitting on my bed and trash talking the contestants on American Idol with my Mom. Riding in the elevator in the hospital and the sterile smell of it. Watching the snow through the windows and feeling like we're inside a snow globe. . .

I haven't left Texas in almost two years. I've left the Austin area for a grand total of two times in that time, to visit Rockport and Joe's grandma. I've spent my whole life traveling up and down the east coast, visiting different states, cities, interesting little towns. As much as I love Austin, I just want to run away with Joe and go someplace ELSE.
Joe and I bought a Christmas tree this weekend and did some lovely decorating. I love the holidays.

Click here to see my happy tree with my pretty twinkle lights. )

This will be our second Christmas together.

Six days ago it was the three year anniversary of my Mom dying and with work and all the holiday insanity, the day slipped by without me even realizing. I feel like a terrible daughter, but part of me thinks that she would be glad by this. I was hanging decorations last night and unpacking ornaments we bought when I was little and that we spent years hanging on the tree together, and I was thinking about that and not the December three years ago when I watched her slip away.

I think she'd smile at that.
Fall is here. I don't care if it's still 90 degrees in Texas. Fall is here and I am breaking out my Halloween decorations this weekend. This is my favorite time of year for a lot of reasons. I've always loved holidays. I love the food, the tv specials,the decorations, all of it, and I get close to four months of holiday awesomeness.

This time of year makes me miss my Mom even more. She taught me to love Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Holidays were low key and relaxed but always lots of fun. I miss them.

I keep going back to the memory of our condo in Kennebunk. It was at the end of a dirt road that was maybe a quarter mile long. Our mailbox was at the other end, and I always used to walk down to get the mail. The leaves would crunch underfoot and you could feel the bite in the air that told you winter was coming. And there were crows. I miss crows so much. They're everywhere in New England, and they just don't exist in Texas.

This time last year, I was unemployed and broke. Now I have a great job with a company that has more money than the US government. I have a house and a cat and a puppy and a man I love beyond the telling of it, but sometimes I just ache for the days of walking down that dirt road, smelling pine trees and wet leaves and hearing the crows.
I miss you.
Two years today.

Two years since I slept beside my Mom's hospital bed while she slipped away from me. Two years since the course of my life changed so much that the old me wouldn't even recognize the person I am now.

Today, I woke up in the bed my Mom refinished when she was in high school, inside the house I own. I drove to work with the man I love sitting next to me. I worked a long day at Apple. I came home and took a bubble bath in my purple bathroom. I watched "Waitress," and I thought of her.

Joe and I got a Christmas tree on Sunday. We're going to decorate it tomorrow after work. Every day is another first with him - first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, it's all new. Almost eight months in and it's the best of both worlds - we're completely comfortable around each other but I still marvel over what we have a hundred times a day.

It makes my heart ache that my Mom will never meet him and that he will never meet her. They would have gotten along, I think. They have the same no bullshit attitude, the same confidence. I can imagine us all in the kitchen cooking something fantastic in my beautiful house. It can't ever happen, of course, but I can still dream.

This time of year is hard, not that I miss her less any other time. May is her birthday and Mother's Day in quick succession. August is my birthday. Every month has memories, but Halloween through Christmas had the most. Tomorrow I will unpack our Christmas ornaments for the first time without her. I will hang them on a tree in Texas with a boy from Minnesota.

And I will miss her.
So Mother's Day just ended about 45 minutes ago. All the mention of it for the last few weeks has made me sad, but today was a good day for me.

The past few weeks have just been a blur of amazingness for me. Progress on the house has been fast and impressive. Sales have been going very well. The biggest difference in my life is that I started seeing someone. Joe actually works with me. He's one of the other salesmen in the office, and the first time I met him, I thought he was really cute. He's since told me that he thought the same thing upon meeting me. We've been flirting with each other since the beginning, but on the 17th we had a "team building" evening where everyone from the office went out for karaoke. [livejournal.com profile] duia also came along as Best Wingman Ever. The night was a blast, and Joe ended up kissing me at the bar.

The rest is, as they say, history.

Everyone we work with pretty much thinks we're adorable, even though they tease the hell out of us about it as well.

He's pretty much perfect for me. We have a ton in common. He's incredibly sweet, and he makes me laugh. He makes me happy.

With every other guy I've ever dated, I've wanted to escape at least on some level. I've never been able to sleep if anyone else is there. I avoided staying overnight with my boyfriends. The few times I did involved a sleepless night of me staring at the ceiling waiting for the minutes to tick down so I could leave. With Joe, it's different. With him, I can sleep. Last night, Joe got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. He didn't wake me up leaving the room; I woke up because he wasn't there. He makes me feel safe. I've never felt like this about anyone before.

Seems like I've gotten pretty far off the topic of Mother's Day, doesn't it? The truth is, for the longest time I would feel guilty about being happy. It didn't seem right to be happy after my Mom was gone. I think I'm finally truly getting past that.

My life is something that I never would have imagined a year ago. In a month, I'll be closing on my house. I have a job I like where I'm making lots of money. I have an amazing group of friends. I have a boyfriend who is crazy about me. I'm happy. I didn't think it would really happen to me after losing my Mom. She wanted me to live a good, happy life and have everything I wanted. I'm well on my way to that, and it's because of the person she made me.

I'm never going to stop missing her, but I'm going to embrace every bit of life that comes my way.
sacrilicious13: (Impala house)
There's been a lot of progress on the house since my last entry. We have a foundation, and tomorrow they should be starting the frame. Two months from now, I'll probably be moving into my house. I'm beyond excited. I can't wait to paint the walls and decorate and make it mine.

I'm going to have a HOUSE. I have a job that I seem to be pretty good at, and that I like most of the time. I have amazing friends. I'm actually happy a lot of the time, something I never would have believed was possible a year ago.

Sometimes it still hits me though, like a knife between my ribs, that my Mom isn't here. I MISS her. It's been almost a year and a half. When I pause and think about that it shocks me that so much time has passed. The person I used to be doesn't exist anymore. I like this new Nastassia, but sometimes I wonder if my Mom would even recognize me now.

A tiny part of me still feels like I'm betraying her by being happy, but the majority of me knows that I'm just being stupid. I know she'd be proud of me for getting a house. It was all we ever really wanted. Want to hear something ironic? The company that is building my house, KB Homes, has a neighborhood in Charlotte, NC. Way back in early 2008 on the last vacation we had before Mom got sick we looked at them. We loved the houses and were going to try to get one when our lease was up in Maine. I didn't even realize it until I was looking at their site a couple weeks ago. Maybe that's the reason I didn't even want to look at any other neighborhoods. Maybe my subconscious remembered walking through those houses in North Carolina with my Mom and dreaming.

I just miss her. I know that goes without saying, but getting this house is one of the biggest events of my life. The idea of getting married someday isn't even something that registers as a possibility in my brain. The behavior of Shitbag Asshole (why yes that is his proper name) made me realize that I've never really be happy in any of the relationships I've had, and that I'd rather be single and surrounded by my friends than waste time on bitches like him. Yet another thing that I inherited from my Mom, a low tolerance for people who are complete wastes of space.

I miss talking to her. This huge thing is happening in my life. It's awesome and kind of scary, and I just want my Mom. I want to show her my land and watch with her as it becomes a foundation and a frame and then finally a house. I want her to be here.
sacrilicious13: (Goodbye)
Why do you give everyone's Mom terminal cancer? I didn't really need you guys to do that to me TWICE.

And now you're playing "Landslide." Just twist that knife a little bit more show.
In a few minutes it will be October 1.

October 1 was the day my Mom had her surgery.

I posted two entries on October 1 of 2008. One was a few minutes after midnight, a short entry recapping a quiet day we spent together enjoying autumn and not talking about what would be happening in a few hours.

We drove down to Ogunquit Beach and walked around town, and we then we walked on the beach and watched the tiny little sandpipers run around and be adorable. It was a good day.

Wish us luck.

The second entry was filled with so much happiness that it hurts to read. I was exhausted by 9pm, drained by a long and emotional day but I was so so happy because the doctors gave her a clean bill of health. We both thought it was over.

Mum's resting comfortably in the hospital tonight, and I feel like I'm relaxed for the first time in months. I didn't even realize until a few hours ago that today was the first day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I think that was a pretty good sign.

Thank you everyone for all your support through this. This road isn't over yet, but it just got a lot brighter.

That light at the end of the tunnel? Turned out it was a train.

October was always my favorite month. Pumpkins, Halloween, the leaves changing...I pretty much wait the entire year for those 31 days. I love the entire holiday season. Halloween (which really starts in late August to me), Thanksgiving, Christmas...I love everything about the season. Mom and I always went all out with Halloween and our Thanksgivings and Christmases may have been quiet and low key, but they were perfect. We would eat Thanksgiving dinner in our pyjamas and bake gingerbread cookies while the snow fell outside. That was my life, and I loved everything about it.

Last year the pain was fresh, the grief was crippling to the point that I couldn't function. Now, the wound has scabbed over but it didn't heal properly. It has settled into a constant ache that is almost worse than the sharp new pain because I've forgotten what normal feels like. I've stopped believing that I'll wake up and this will all be a bad dream. I don't talk about it as much because I feel like other people might wonder why I'm still wrecked.

I have a new job that might actually solve all my financial problems. I have new friends. My favorite holiday is coming up. October 1, 2008 I was happier than I had been in ages. I had HOPE and I saw the future spread out before both of us. October 1, 2009 and nothing is what I wanted it to be.

October 1. The first day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

October 1, and I still wish it had been me.


Sep. 21st, 2009 10:41 pm
sacrilicious13: (Four season tree)
So today I had the first day of training for my new job. I haven't even really mentioned it to many people because my employment life has been such a shitshow lately that I didn't want to get my hopes up too much. It's selling health insurance as an independent agent. No salary, just 100% commission, but all the people we sell to are people who have called the company requesting an agent contact them so there's none of that cold calling bullshit.

Writing out the policies doesn't seem too hard to me. Within 90 days I have to take the state licensing exam which hopefully won't be too awful. According to the super nice boss lady, the average commission is between $1000 and $2000 A WEEK. If I can succeed at this I can pay off my credit card debt, my car, and my student loans and eventually buy a house.

I reread the letter my Mom wrote me before she died last night for the first time in quite awhile. She told me to never ever give up. Not giving up has been really really hard these last few months. I've been thrust into this completely unfamiliar world where I don't know what to do or how to do it. I still feel that way most of the time. I feel like I'm doing the whole "striking out on your own into the world at 18" nine years late. And sometimes I feel almost happy, but mostly it's just hollow because I am so incredibly lonely most of the time. My friends all have their own lives and families. I talk to my grandma every day, but it's not the same. I can't talk to her when I'm upset or about my Mom because all it does is upset her, and that doesn't exactly make me feel better. I wish that I had someone I could talk to about her, but I don't. Instead I go to Target and look at Halloween decorations and remember decorating our house and watching scary movies together and I ACHE for those days when I knew my place in the world and I was happy with it.

I'm a person who likes to have a plan and a schedule to my life, and that has been totally derailed. I still have no idea what I'm going to be doing or where I'm going to be living in two three four years. Being back in Boston for that week made me miss that place so much. The difference between Texas and Massachusetts is like night and day. It's late September and I want fireplaces and leaves crunching underfoot and a cold bite in the air. I just don't know. I feel anchorless.

This entry turned out a lot more emo than I intended when I started it. I am happy about this new job and the potential it has for making my life better financially. It's just all a bit bittersweet.
So today's my birthday. I'm 27. I'm in a better place than I have been in the last few months. I have pretty amazing friends here. Between Duia, Jenny, and all of the amazing internet people they've introduced me too, the new friends I've made with lovely Cary from next door introducing me to her crew, and my friends from the past I have some pretty amazing people in my life. There are people here that care about me. This random group of people brought together by random chance are becoming a family and it's pretty awesome.

Doesn't make me miss my Mom any less though.

It's been hard coming to terms with being happy when she isn't here. I know it's silly and stupid to feel like I'm betraying her because she told me in the letter she left me that all she wanted was for me to be happy.

A year ago, we spent the morning of my birthday in the hospital because Mom needed an MRI. We spent the rest of the day watching Tim Burton movies and eating cake. That was it, and it was perfect. A year ago, I never would have imagined that I'd be in the place I am now, living the life I am. A year ago, I didn't know time was running down for my Mom and I.

I miss her. I miss all the little things she would do. I miss oatmeal cookies in the oven and my favorite butternut squash soup simmering on the stove. I miss waking up on my birthday and knowing that we'd spend the day doing something fun. I just miss my Mom.

I'm going to try my best to have fun today. Duia has something planned that she won't tell me, so I'm in for something fun, and on Monday Cary is taking all of us to this bar downtown where you can play skiball. I'm going to try.
I watch "So You Think You Can Dance" here and there. The episode last week had one of the most touching things I've ever seen. Two of the dancers did a tribute to breast cancer, and it was just...there aren't words.

I had a dream about my Mom last night. We were at some sort of garden, and she had this pot of beautiful purple and white flowers. I told her that I missed her and that nothing was the same without her. She gave me the flowers, and then we walked through the garden. It might have been the gardens at the Biltmore Estate in Ashville, NC. We went there for my 22nd birthday. It's still one of my favorite birthdays.

She looked so happy and healthy. The sun was shining. She was wearing a white skirt with a dark blue top and her hair was curly and the color of autumn leaves. I woke up with a sad smile on my face. I hope I can go back there.
Had an interview today with a stationary store and I think it went really well. Based on working at William Arthur and my mad computer skillz, I think there's a pretty good chance I'll get this. Which is a really good thing because I was starting to seriously consider selling my plasma. The pay is only a little bit less than what I made at William Arthur too.

Other than the job search, not much has been going on. Duia's Mom and her sisters came to visit for a few days. They're all pretty awesome. Duia's littlest sister totally reminds me of myself. She's adorable and a total nerd.

Being around Duia's Mom was nice but also really really hard. Seeing all three of them doing mother daughter stuff just reminded me that I don't get to do that anymore. Of course, there's really not a whole lot that doesn't remind me of that.

I talked to Scott from William Arthur today. Scott's an awesome guy. I always called him my work husband, not because there was any romantic stuff but because he was always there for me to talk to. And because I fed him pie.

I've pretty much decided that I will be going to Boston next month for Duia's friend's wedding. I'm hoping I can see Scott, Aaron, and Dave. I shouldn't spend the money AT ALL, but everything that's happened in my life recently has made me desperately crave something familiar. And New England is familiar.

I've been slowly coming to the realization that it's going to be a long long time (if ever) until anyplace feels like "home" to me. Texas makes me miss seeing green things. It makes me miss that first bite in the air that says fall is coming. It makes me miss the masses of orange gold red brown leaves hanging from the trees like jewels. It makes me miss the way the mountains look like they're burning when the maple leaves turn, and the first taste of cider in Vermont. But no matter how much I might miss those things, I can't go back because there's nothing to go back TO. If I walk through the streets of Stowe or Newburyport or Keene, I'll see the charm and the familiarity of those places, but I'll also know that I'm missing someone who's supposed to be walking with me.

You see, I always talked about how I grew up Winchester style, moving from state to state and never having any real roots and how it never bothered me. That was and still is 100% true. I never cared where my home was because wherever we were WAS home. But suddenly I'm adrift in the world and NO PLACE feels like home. And I know it's only been seven months. I know that New Hampshire or Vermont or Virginia or North Carolina wouldn't feel like home either. I know there are no easy answers to this. I know that there's no fix to this.

This was supposed to be a happy entry about how I hopefully will have a job soon, but talking to Scott just made me remember the way things used to be and how I didn't even know how happy I was.
I just started my job search. I applied at Greenpeace and am hoping that works out, but it made me remember that our lease in Maine was officially up in the middle of June 2008. If my Mom had never gotten sick I would have been in Charlotte for a year now.

Part of me really wishes I had some kind of window into my AU life where I could see what I'd be doing and the person I would have been if that life had happened. The other part of me knows that all that would end up doing is depressing me more.

It's just hard not to wonder.

I miss the mountains.

Talked to Dave for like an hour and a half tonight which always puts me in a good mood because Dave is a hilarious individual and a terrible person. Woody also might be visiting in the near future which would be pretty freaking awesome.

I'm still wondering though.
I'm having deep thoughts tonight, and I really don't know what brought them on beyond my usual emotional state. I've been feeling better since I've been here, probably because I was endlessly busy with unpacking and building shelves and buying couches and getting the house in order. Now all of that's done, and suddenly I feel like I'm going crazy.

It's a little past 10:30. Duia's trying to sleep, Jenny just left, and I'm sitting here freaking out and I don't even really understand why.

I don't know why tonight I suddenly started missing my Mom so much that I literally am having trouble breathing.

I've been joking with Duia since I got here that I can't wait to meet "2010 Nas" and how she's going to be a awesome. I don't feel very awesome right now.

All I can think about is going on adventures with my Mom, even if it was just a few hours in Nordstrom trying on shoes.

You know, I got a dog on the 7th. He was a sweet little daschund puppy. He was adorable, and I really liked him, but less than 24 hours later I brought him back to the lady I got him from on craigslist. Instead of being excited over the adorable puppy following me around, all I could think of was how Mom and I were supposed to get a daschund and train it together, and it hit me like sucker punch that I could not do it. I've wanted a dog for my entire life, and when I finally had the chance, I couldn't do it. I felt like a failure and an asshole for bringing him back. I was so excited to get a dog, but having him there just HURT because it wasn't supposed to just be me taking care of him.

Maybe I've been burying everything for the past month without even realizing it. I've just been so far away from everything that I know, and I've been meeting all these new people and I want them to like me. Maybe I've been trying too hard to be fun!Nas.

Right now I'm sitting in the living room surrounded by my Mom's furniture. Half of it is stuff she built herself. And I'm wondering what she'd think of me now. I know she wanted me to be happy, but six months later, I'm starting to wonder if I'm even capable of genuine happiness anymore.
Tomorrow it will be six months since my Mother died. It's also Duia's birthday, which is why I'm busting out the sadness right now. Six months ago today, I was sitting at my Mom's bedside watching her slip away those last few inches. Six months ago, my world was ending. Six months later, it's starting again.

I like it here. I really really do. I spend half my days feeling like a rock star because we're always doing something awesome. There are always fabulous people at our house (Angie and Jess being the latest.) I have new friends. I'm learning my way around a new city.

It's not where I expected and it's not with who I expected, but I'm finally starting to be happy again.

I miss my Mom. I miss the days where we did nothing but lay on the couch and watch tv. I miss all the delicious food she would cook. I miss her calling me "Sweetie." I miss our late night conversations about everything and nothing. She was the only one who’s ever known who I am, who I’m not, and who I want to be. I just miss her, and I know that's never going to go away.

Right now, I'm sitting in Amy's listening to "Permanent" by David Cook on repeat. Mom and I watched American Idol every year and got way too invested. We both really loved David Cook and were so happy that he won. David lost his brother to brain cancer not long ago, and wrote this song for him. I feel like this song could have been written for me. I guess, in a way, it kind of was.

Tomorrow is six months since she slipped away while I slept in a chair next to her hospital bed. Six months ago was the worst day of my life. Six months later, I'm in a much better place. It's been a long hard road to happy, and I'm not 100% there yet, but I'm working. If you're still in my life, I love you for everything you do. If I've cut you out, you know EXACTLY why, whether you want to admit it or not.

It's six months tomorrow, and I'm going to honor my best friend by having a good day tomorrow.

I love you Mom.

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry.
And everything, it will surely change even if I tell you I won't go away today.
Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand?
And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary rest your head.
I'm permanent.

I know he's living in hell every single day
And so I ask "Oh God is there some way for me to take his place?"
And when they say it's all touch and go I wish I could make it go away.
But still you say
Will you think that you're all alone when no one's there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head.
I'm permanent.

Is the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you'll never see me cry.



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