If I fall, can I stand?

So today I had the first day of training for my new job. I haven't even really mentioned it to many people because my employment life has been such a shitshow lately that I didn't want to get my hopes up too much. It's selling health insurance as an independent agent. No salary, just 100% commission, but all the people we sell to are people who have called the company requesting an agent contact them so there's none of that cold calling bullshit.

Writing out the policies doesn't seem too hard to me. Within 90 days I have to take the state licensing exam which hopefully won't be too awful. According to the super nice boss lady, the average commission is between $1000 and $2000 A WEEK. If I can succeed at this I can pay off my credit card debt, my car, and my student loans and eventually buy a house.

I reread the letter my Mom wrote me before she died last night for the first time in quite awhile. She told me to never ever give up. Not giving up has been really really hard these last few months. I've been thrust into this completely unfamiliar world where I don't know what to do or how to do it. I still feel that way most of the time. I feel like I'm doing the whole "striking out on your own into the world at 18" nine years late. And sometimes I feel almost happy, but mostly it's just hollow because I am so incredibly lonely most of the time. My friends all have their own lives and families. I talk to my grandma every day, but it's not the same. I can't talk to her when I'm upset or about my Mom because all it does is upset her, and that doesn't exactly make me feel better. I wish that I had someone I could talk to about her, but I don't. Instead I go to Target and look at Halloween decorations and remember decorating our house and watching scary movies together and I ACHE for those days when I knew my place in the world and I was happy with it.

I'm a person who likes to have a plan and a schedule to my life, and that has been totally derailed. I still have no idea what I'm going to be doing or where I'm going to be living in two three four years. Being back in Boston for that week made me miss that place so much. The difference between Texas and Massachusetts is like night and day. It's late September and I want fireplaces and leaves crunching underfoot and a cold bite in the air. I just don't know. I feel anchorless.

This entry turned out a lot more emo than I intended when I started it. I am happy about this new job and the potential it has for making my life better financially. It's just all a bit bittersweet.