If I fall, can I stand?

I am SUCH a homebody.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a night on the town as much as the next girl, but nothing will ever compare to a relaxing night on the couch with Joe beside me, the kitties on my lap and River stealing my seat if I get up.

I love my house, I love my Joe, and I love my fuzzy babies, so I guess it makes sense that the time I enjoy the most is with them.

( And how photogenic is this guy? )

Two years today.

Two years since I slept beside my Mom's hospital bed while she slipped away from me. Two years since the course of my life changed so much that the old me wouldn't even recognize the person I am now.

Today, I woke up in the bed my Mom refinished when she was in high school, inside the house I own. I drove to work with the man I love sitting next to me. I worked a long day at Apple. I came home and took a bubble bath in my purple bathroom. I watched "Waitress," and I thought of her.

Joe and I got a Christmas tree on Sunday. We're going to decorate it tomorrow after work. Every day is another first with him - first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, it's all new. Almost eight months in and it's the best of both worlds - we're completely comfortable around each other but I still marvel over what we have a hundred times a day.

It makes my heart ache that my Mom will never meet him and that he will never meet her. They would have gotten along, I think. They have the same no bullshit attitude, the same confidence. I can imagine us all in the kitchen cooking something fantastic in my beautiful house. It can't ever happen, of course, but I can still dream.

This time of year is hard, not that I miss her less any other time. May is her birthday and Mother's Day in quick succession. August is my birthday. Every month has memories, but Halloween through Christmas had the most. Tomorrow I will unpack our Christmas ornaments for the first time without her. I will hang them on a tree in Texas with a boy from Minnesota.

And I will miss her.

Yesterday was my birthday, Friday the 13th YAY! I'm still amazed at the difference between this year and the last. I had a pretty low key birthday. It was mostly me and Joe hanging out at my house. Tamara made me a fabulous cake. I made myself a fabulous pecan pie. Duia made me fabulous tortellini. Aaron was just generally fabulous. Hehe. Anyway, I spent the day with the people I love in a house that I love.

Right now Joe's outside putting Miracle Gro on my lawn. We will have been together four months on the 17th, and sometimes it still catches me by surprise how much I love him.

I'm planning on doing some serious cleaning tomorrow so I can hopefully take some pictures to post so those of you that haven't been lucky enough to visit yet can see my house.

Had an interview today with a stationary store and I think it went really well. Based on working at William Arthur and my mad computer skillz, I think there's a pretty good chance I'll get this. Which is a really good thing because I was starting to seriously consider selling my plasma. The pay is only a little bit less than what I made at William Arthur too.

Other than the job search, not much has been going on. Duia's Mom and her sisters came to visit for a few days. They're all pretty awesome. Duia's littlest sister totally reminds me of myself. She's adorable and a total nerd.

Being around Duia's Mom was nice but also really really hard. Seeing all three of them doing mother daughter stuff just reminded me that I don't get to do that anymore. Of course, there's really not a whole lot that doesn't remind me of that.

I talked to Scott from William Arthur today. Scott's an awesome guy. I always called him my work husband, not because there was any romantic stuff but because he was always there for me to talk to. And because I fed him pie.

I've pretty much decided that I will be going to Boston next month for Duia's friend's wedding. I'm hoping I can see Scott, Aaron, and Dave. I shouldn't spend the money AT ALL, but everything that's happened in my life recently has made me desperately crave something familiar. And New England is familiar.

I've been slowly coming to the realization that it's going to be a long long time (if ever) until anyplace feels like "home" to me. Texas makes me miss seeing green things. It makes me miss that first bite in the air that says fall is coming. It makes me miss the masses of orange gold red brown leaves hanging from the trees like jewels. It makes me miss the way the mountains look like they're burning when the maple leaves turn, and the first taste of cider in Vermont. But no matter how much I might miss those things, I can't go back because there's nothing to go back TO. If I walk through the streets of Stowe or Newburyport or Keene, I'll see the charm and the familiarity of those places, but I'll also know that I'm missing someone who's supposed to be walking with me.

You see, I always talked about how I grew up Winchester style, moving from state to state and never having any real roots and how it never bothered me. That was and still is 100% true. I never cared where my home was because wherever we were WAS home. But suddenly I'm adrift in the world and NO PLACE feels like home. And I know it's only been seven months. I know that New Hampshire or Vermont or Virginia or North Carolina wouldn't feel like home either. I know there are no easy answers to this. I know that there's no fix to this.

This was supposed to be a happy entry about how I hopefully will have a job soon, but talking to Scott just made me remember the way things used to be and how I didn't even know how happy I was.