sacrilicious13: (Oujia Board)

It’s been awhile.

It’s funny. I never consciously chose leave fandom. And honestly, I don’t even consider that I “left.” Life just happened and got busier and busier, and one day I realized that it had been far far too long since I posted.

I’ve always been one of those people that has a hard time returning to something when I’ve been gone a long time. Whether it’s getting back in contact with a friend that I haven’t spoken to in ages or picking up a hobby that fell by the wayside.

I always feel like I’ll get the confirmation that no one noticed my absence. Or my return.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

You all might remember Joe. Wonderful, sweet, perfect for me Joe. We’re only a few weeks past our 6th anniversary (April 17.) On our 5th anniversary he proposed. He actually picked a ring almost identical to the one on my secret Pinterest wedding board. All on his own!

We sold our house in Austin in December and moved to North Carolina. MASSIVE mistake. Asheville is a nice enough town, but after almost seven years in Austin, I’m a city girl through and through. I am not cut out for Appalachia. When we head back to Austin in October for our wedding, we’re moving back permanently.

Life has been tough for the past six months. I lost my three closest friends due to some ridiculous drama that one of them started. The three girls who were supposed to be my bridesmaids, including Duia my best friend for a decade.

I came to Texas for her, and she hasn’t spoken to me for five months. If anyone wants to hear the whole sordid drama, I can spin quite the epic novel.

Anyway, fandom was a home for me once. Despite being dumped by my closest fandom friend in the cruelest way possible, fandom will always be home. I don’t know how many of you are still out there or if fandom has migrated to other places, but if you’re still here say hi.

I miss this. I miss having someone to squeal about the newest SPN ep with. I miss fanfic. I miss my easy season one world.
sacrilicious13: (Impala house)
The past month has just been crazy! I finally got hired on to Apple as a full employee! No more temp crap, and I get benefits! Even better, no more phones. My new job is "Chat Sales." It's the first step on my path to my ultimate goal of no customer interaction whatsoever.

The weather is heating up in Texas. The garden is producing some pretty amazing amounts of veggies! Check out this week's harvest!



Sep. 21st, 2009 10:41 pm
sacrilicious13: (Four season tree)
So today I had the first day of training for my new job. I haven't even really mentioned it to many people because my employment life has been such a shitshow lately that I didn't want to get my hopes up too much. It's selling health insurance as an independent agent. No salary, just 100% commission, but all the people we sell to are people who have called the company requesting an agent contact them so there's none of that cold calling bullshit.

Writing out the policies doesn't seem too hard to me. Within 90 days I have to take the state licensing exam which hopefully won't be too awful. According to the super nice boss lady, the average commission is between $1000 and $2000 A WEEK. If I can succeed at this I can pay off my credit card debt, my car, and my student loans and eventually buy a house.

I reread the letter my Mom wrote me before she died last night for the first time in quite awhile. She told me to never ever give up. Not giving up has been really really hard these last few months. I've been thrust into this completely unfamiliar world where I don't know what to do or how to do it. I still feel that way most of the time. I feel like I'm doing the whole "striking out on your own into the world at 18" nine years late. And sometimes I feel almost happy, but mostly it's just hollow because I am so incredibly lonely most of the time. My friends all have their own lives and families. I talk to my grandma every day, but it's not the same. I can't talk to her when I'm upset or about my Mom because all it does is upset her, and that doesn't exactly make me feel better. I wish that I had someone I could talk to about her, but I don't. Instead I go to Target and look at Halloween decorations and remember decorating our house and watching scary movies together and I ACHE for those days when I knew my place in the world and I was happy with it.

I'm a person who likes to have a plan and a schedule to my life, and that has been totally derailed. I still have no idea what I'm going to be doing or where I'm going to be living in two three four years. Being back in Boston for that week made me miss that place so much. The difference between Texas and Massachusetts is like night and day. It's late September and I want fireplaces and leaves crunching underfoot and a cold bite in the air. I just don't know. I feel anchorless.

This entry turned out a lot more emo than I intended when I started it. I am happy about this new job and the potential it has for making my life better financially. It's just all a bit bittersweet.
So today's my birthday. I'm 27. I'm in a better place than I have been in the last few months. I have pretty amazing friends here. Between Duia, Jenny, and all of the amazing internet people they've introduced me too, the new friends I've made with lovely Cary from next door introducing me to her crew, and my friends from the past I have some pretty amazing people in my life. There are people here that care about me. This random group of people brought together by random chance are becoming a family and it's pretty awesome.

Doesn't make me miss my Mom any less though.

It's been hard coming to terms with being happy when she isn't here. I know it's silly and stupid to feel like I'm betraying her because she told me in the letter she left me that all she wanted was for me to be happy.

A year ago, we spent the morning of my birthday in the hospital because Mom needed an MRI. We spent the rest of the day watching Tim Burton movies and eating cake. That was it, and it was perfect. A year ago, I never would have imagined that I'd be in the place I am now, living the life I am. A year ago, I didn't know time was running down for my Mom and I.

I miss her. I miss all the little things she would do. I miss oatmeal cookies in the oven and my favorite butternut squash soup simmering on the stove. I miss waking up on my birthday and knowing that we'd spend the day doing something fun. I just miss my Mom.

I'm going to try my best to have fun today. Duia has something planned that she won't tell me, so I'm in for something fun, and on Monday Cary is taking all of us to this bar downtown where you can play skiball. I'm going to try.
So for the past two weeks I've been babysitting the four year old son of my neighbor Cary. First of all, Cary is freaking awesome. She's supernice, has tons of amazing tattoos, and pretty much just rules at life. Her little boy, Clay, is also an awesome little dude. Now I am not usually a fan of children. Most children are demonic little howler monkeys that make me long for a tazer. Clay is super mellow, eats healthy food without a fight, and is just a generally cool human. He's also super adorable. His birthday's in a few weeks and there are talks of a bouncy house and a pina colada machine for the adults. I am psyched!

Had an interview at another stationary store today. It's only two days a week, but I'm going to take it if I get offered it because I need SOMETHING. I think the interview went well, and at least the owner of this store didn't think that you need a graphic design degree to fill out an order form.

Also made cookies with anise and beer. They are delicious and will be added to the list of stuff for the bakery.
Had an interview today with a stationary store and I think it went really well. Based on working at William Arthur and my mad computer skillz, I think there's a pretty good chance I'll get this. Which is a really good thing because I was starting to seriously consider selling my plasma. The pay is only a little bit less than what I made at William Arthur too.

Other than the job search, not much has been going on. Duia's Mom and her sisters came to visit for a few days. They're all pretty awesome. Duia's littlest sister totally reminds me of myself. She's adorable and a total nerd.

Being around Duia's Mom was nice but also really really hard. Seeing all three of them doing mother daughter stuff just reminded me that I don't get to do that anymore. Of course, there's really not a whole lot that doesn't remind me of that.

I talked to Scott from William Arthur today. Scott's an awesome guy. I always called him my work husband, not because there was any romantic stuff but because he was always there for me to talk to. And because I fed him pie.

I've pretty much decided that I will be going to Boston next month for Duia's friend's wedding. I'm hoping I can see Scott, Aaron, and Dave. I shouldn't spend the money AT ALL, but everything that's happened in my life recently has made me desperately crave something familiar. And New England is familiar.

I've been slowly coming to the realization that it's going to be a long long time (if ever) until anyplace feels like "home" to me. Texas makes me miss seeing green things. It makes me miss that first bite in the air that says fall is coming. It makes me miss the masses of orange gold red brown leaves hanging from the trees like jewels. It makes me miss the way the mountains look like they're burning when the maple leaves turn, and the first taste of cider in Vermont. But no matter how much I might miss those things, I can't go back because there's nothing to go back TO. If I walk through the streets of Stowe or Newburyport or Keene, I'll see the charm and the familiarity of those places, but I'll also know that I'm missing someone who's supposed to be walking with me.

You see, I always talked about how I grew up Winchester style, moving from state to state and never having any real roots and how it never bothered me. That was and still is 100% true. I never cared where my home was because wherever we were WAS home. But suddenly I'm adrift in the world and NO PLACE feels like home. And I know it's only been seven months. I know that New Hampshire or Vermont or Virginia or North Carolina wouldn't feel like home either. I know there are no easy answers to this. I know that there's no fix to this.

This was supposed to be a happy entry about how I hopefully will have a job soon, but talking to Scott just made me remember the way things used to be and how I didn't even know how happy I was.
I just started my job search. I applied at Greenpeace and am hoping that works out, but it made me remember that our lease in Maine was officially up in the middle of June 2008. If my Mom had never gotten sick I would have been in Charlotte for a year now.

Part of me really wishes I had some kind of window into my AU life where I could see what I'd be doing and the person I would have been if that life had happened. The other part of me knows that all that would end up doing is depressing me more.

It's just hard not to wonder.

I miss the mountains.

Talked to Dave for like an hour and a half tonight which always puts me in a good mood because Dave is a hilarious individual and a terrible person. Woody also might be visiting in the near future which would be pretty freaking awesome.

I'm still wondering though.
Today's the day.

It's finally here.

It's almost noon, and I leave around six to pick [ profile] duia up at the airport in Richmond. From there, I'll drive into my new life with her riding shotgun.

Everything is packed. My stuff has been enroute since last Friday. I have a full tank of gas, a GPS, and 18 mix cds. I have a plan. I have a future.

I never thought I'd end up here. I wish things would have been different, but all wishes don't come true.

I know Texas is going to be fabulous. All of Duia's awesome friends are going to become MY awesome friends. I'm going to make pies and decorate the house and bask in the 100+ degree heat. I'm going to have adventures, and I'm going to have those adventures because I'm the person my Mom made me.

There are things I'll miss. I'll miss my grandma. She drives me crazy sometimes, but I love her. I know my father is massively bummed that I'm moving to the other side of the country so soon after meeting me, but that's what planes are for! I've never flown before, so I''m just going to have to hum Metallica to calm me down.

This is really happening. After months and months of planning and hoping and endless setbacks, this is really happening.

Today is the 6th of May, making it five months since I lost my Mom. The day seems appropriate somehow.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to every one of you who has been here, reading and commenting and just being there through the worst part of my life. I love you all. Hopefully the entries will start to be a little brighter soon.

Expect tons of voiceposts, twitters, and random comments from the road. This trip is going to be LEGENDARY.

Wish me luck.

So for the past month [ profile] duia and I have been trying to rent this house. The lady who owns it is supernice, but the realtors who were handling it were giant douchenozzles. They actually forced us to pay six months worth of rent upfront which is complete bullshit, but we did it. And now we have a house!

It's tiny and is seriously lacking in closet space so my immense organizational skills will be put to work, but it has hardwood floors and one of those awesome clawfoot bathtubs. Also, we will be living one how down from the sheriff so no worries about getting robbed. The size isn't ideal, but Duia said it felt welcoming and her word is enough for me.

Duia has the keys and will probably be moving her stuff in over the next few days. I'm renting one of those PODS things to move my stuff down to Texas. I'm packing that on the 29th, and it'll be in Austin on the 11th. Because she is the greatest human ever, Duia is flying up here, and on the 6th of May we're going to be driving back to Austin together! So much yay!

I've pretty much mapped out the route we're going to take. Googlemaps wanted to take us through Tennessee and Arkansas, two states I have very little desire to visit, so I messed with the route and we've be going from Richmond, VA --> Charlotte, NC --> Atlanta, GA --> Birmingham, AL --> Hattiesburg, MS --> New Orleans, LA --> Beaumont, TX --> Houston, TX --> AUSTIN. MUCH more interesting route! Now we're pretty much just planning brief stops in all these cities (well maybe a bit longer in New Orleans) but even stopping for just an hour or so will break up the trip. Expect THOUSANDS of pictures, twitters, and voiceposts.

We'll probably get to Austin on the 9th. On the 10th, Duia and I have tickets to see Bonnie Raitt. Bonnie Raitt was one of my Mom's very favorite singers, and the fact that she's playing in Austin on Mother's Day just felt like a sign that I should go.

I'm nervous, excited, and AMAZED that this is finally happening. I'm really moving to Texas guys. A year ago, I never would have thought this would be my life. I'm not going to lie and say that everything is okay now, but my Mom loved me more than anything else in the world, and I know she wants me to try to be happy. And I'm trying. I'm going to plant flowers in our front yard. I'm not going to waste time on things and people that are not worth my time because life is too short. I'm going to have crazy adventures with my best friend. I'm going to live enough for both of us because that's what she'd want me to do.
Further redecorating )
sacrilicious13: (Say what?)
Okay guys. I have a story to tell you. It's kind of batshit crazy. Actually scratch the "kind of" part. It IS batshit crazy. But such is my life.

Yeah this is going to get LONG, but whatever you're expecting it's not what's behind this cut )
At 3:07 it was four months.

Four months.

April 1st

Apr. 1st, 2009 11:44 pm
This time last year, Mom and I were counting down the last few days until my vacation when we could go down to Charlotte. We were eagerly looking forward to June and the chance to leave Maine behind forever. We were happy. If you would have told me last year what my life would be like a year later, I'd think you were making a pretty sick April Fool's joke.

Duia and I think we've found a house. I'll post more details about it once we know it's ours because I don't want to jinx it.

I'm just so afraid that I'm going to do the wrong thing. I know all Mum wants for me is to be as happy as I can. I know I was a good daughter. I just keep thinking about all the time I wasted, all the time I spent on stupid shit that I didn't even WANT to do but felt obligated to like all the bullshit with Laura's wedding. I took a trip to Salem in early October. I HATE Salem. That was one of the last few days she had before she got really sick again and I wasted it.

This week's One Tree Hill had a scene where Peyton was making this box of stuff to leave for her baby - drawings, letters, stuff like that. The reason Peyton was doing this was because her doctors told her that there was a very large chance that having the baby would kill her. Now this scene had me sobbing because I wish Mum would have left me a box of stuff like that, but she wasn't a person who kept a journal and she hated having her picture taken. But then I thought about that episode and it made me really want to punch Peyton for how selfish she's being. Imagine how that kid will feel when it grows up and learns that it killed its mother? My Mother didn't die because of me, and I still feel like it's my fault. WTF tv? You're supposed to be distractingly comforting!

I'm just so lonely. I've never been alone before. I was either living with my Mom or she was a phone call away. I mean, if I would get bored at work, I'd call her even though I'd be going home in a few hours. I still have her number in my phone. It's been disconnected, but I still call it sometimes just to see "Mum" flash on the screen with the little purple flower icon I gave her.

I just miss her. I've been watching Supernatural with my grandma. She's never seen the show and she really has no idea what it's about, but she thinks the boys are cute. I miss having Mum call me at work to tell me how awesome the episode was. She did that during "Lazarus Rising." I had like three hours left in my shift and she spent like ten minutes raving about it and saying that we had to watch it as soon as I got home at 1 AM. And we did.

I miss that.
sacrilicious13: (Bitch are you for real?)
Okay universe. I have ONE THING in my life right now that really makes me happy. My Mom is gone. I'm living in a place I hate, slowing going out of my mind with boredom. The ONE THING that keeps me sane is my lovely, beautiful car that I tell myself Mom got for me since it was paid for with her life insurance.

Today, I got in a car accident.

I'm fine, and the person whose car I hit is fine. His giant SUV had absolutely zero damage, however the front of my sweet, wonderful car is all smashed. What happened was, there was a dead deer at the side of the road that was partly laying in the road. I glanced over at the deer carcass to make sure that I didn't hit THAT, and when I looked back the guy in front of me had stopped short to turn. I slammed on my brakes but I skidded and hit the back of the SUV. The guy had a metal bumper and a trailer hitch on the back so at least there was no damage to his car and he was really nice about it, BUT MY CAR.

Tomorrow I have to take it into the Toyota place and have them fix my baby. The cop said that the damage was all cosmetic, and it should be easy to fix, but I just cannot fucking believe this happened. I drive a worthless piece of shit car that I DESPISE for three years and nothing happens to it. I drive a car that I love and adore for FIVE WEEKS and I get in an accident.

I'm just so upset about this. I love this car because I feel like it's the last present Mom ever got me. Driving this car is the only time I don't feel like hanging myself, and I broke her. I just hope it doesn't take too long for them to fix her. Even though everyone keeps telling me that once they repair everything I won't be able to tell that I was in any kind of accident, but I'm just so afraid that she won't look the same or feel the same.

I just feel like I cannot catch a break. Everytime things seem to be going slightly better for me, the universe feels the need to take a bat to my kneecaps.

Two months

Feb. 6th, 2009 10:13 pm
Today it's been two months. )
I ADORE my new car )
I talked to [ profile] duia today and she told me about this fabulous mall in Austin called The Domain and declared that "they're building a Nordstrom just for you!" and my first impulse was still to yell to Mom in the next room. Nordstrom was kind of our store. We loved shopping there, loved the cafe, loved the whole feel of the place.

Part of me still keeps hoping that I'm going to wake up in my room in Maine and this will all be a bad dream. I just miss her so much.

This might be where Duia and I are living if it's still available in like six weeks. It's lovely and cheap and it has a yard for the puppies. It's pretty much perfect.

Last Friday I got the check for Mom's life insurance. For the first time in my life I held a check for $20,000 in my hand and I wanted to burn it. Instead I cashed it. I'm going to pay off my credit card, save about six grand in case it takes me awhile to get a job, and use the rest as a hefty down payment on my new car.

Next week I'm buying a red Toyotal Yaris Hatchback. Mom and I test drove one over the summer. She was supposed to be there with me when I bought the car.

Someday I want to take Duia to Charlotte and show her the city. I want to walk the streets and imagine the life I was supposed to have. I try to think about before Mom got sick and I feel like I can't remember anything, not really. I feel like all the misery of the last few months just pushed the rest of my life out of my mind. I just really want to wake up.
It's been one month. I can't believe it's been one whole month.

Today, I received the necklace that I ordered from the funeral home. It has my Mom's thumbprint etched into it. I can't get a decent photo of it with my camera phone, but once my digital camera gets here, I'll take a photo of it.

I stayed awake last night until the time when she died. I just couldn't bring myself to go to sleep. Around one o'clock I must have dozed off only to jump awake guessed it 3:07 am.

I really cannot believe that it's been a month. The first of a lot more months. This big new life that I don't know how to do is looming up ahead, and I'm beyond scared of it. I'm excited too, but there's a lot of scared.

More than anything, I just miss my best friend.
The only person who knows this is Duia, but I signed up to do NANO last year. My plan was to write a kind of memoir about everything Mum and I went through with the treatments and the surgeries and how much I loved her. I planned to write it in November, blaze through any editing in the first week of December and send it off to Lulu for a quick self-publish so I could give it to her for Christmas. I didn't tell her I was going to write it because I wanted it to be a surprise.

Two months ago today, Mum was feeling great. She was admitted to the hospital the night before, and they had given her lots of morphine to make her head feel better and she was doing amazingly. It was a Saturday. I called her up when I woke up and she told me she was feeling so much better. I told her I'd be around to visit after lunch because I wanted to clean the house up before she came home. We were both figuring that she'd probably come home Monday or Tuesday.

I arrived at the hospital and we spent the day together. I don't remember exactly what we did, probably watched the food channel. We shared the piece of lemon meringue pie that came with the hospital tray, and we talked and we were both so hopeful. I was so happy that she was feeling better.

We were both bummed that we had missed Halloween, but I told her that I was pausing the month and we'd have Halloween when she got home. I had the most perfect pumpkin waiting in the kitchen for us to carve. I never did carve that pumpkin. Eventually it started to shrivel and I put it out on the porch where it withered and rotted. But when I bought it at the grocery store it was perfect. Halloween was always our favorite holiday.

I stayed until seven or eight o'clock. I told Mom I was going to hit the post Halloween candy sales at Target and go to bed early since I'd had to work late the night before. I called her again when I got home to tell her about the cute Halloween scrapbook I had gotten on sale. I told her we could fill it with pictures from our first Halloween in Charlotte. After I got off the phone, this is what I wrote.



That was the first and only day I wrote anything. Mum started acting odd in the next few days. I spent exhausting hours trying to make doctors and nurses understand that "No she doesn't have fucking depression. Something is wrong. Why won't you listen to me? This isn't how she normally is. Something is wrong! Please listen to me. Please." Things just got worse and worse and before I knew it she was gone.

I look back that those two pages, and I see so much hope in them. So much love. I really cannot believe that this was only two months ago. It feels like it's been years. I wish I would have told her I was writing this. I always showed her what I wrote in the past, but I wanted to be able to hand her a book and say, "I wrote this for you."

Someday, I'll finish it, but that day is far in the future, and it's going to be a very different book than what it started out as.



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