If I fall, can I stand?

So today's my birthday. I'm 27. I'm in a better place than I have been in the last few months. I have pretty amazing friends here. Between Duia, Jenny, and all of the amazing internet people they've introduced me too, the new friends I've made with lovely Cary from next door introducing me to her crew, and my friends from the past I have some pretty amazing people in my life. There are people here that care about me. This random group of people brought together by random chance are becoming a family and it's pretty awesome.

Doesn't make me miss my Mom any less though.

It's been hard coming to terms with being happy when she isn't here. I know it's silly and stupid to feel like I'm betraying her because she told me in the letter she left me that all she wanted was for me to be happy.

A year ago, we spent the morning of my birthday in the hospital because Mom needed an MRI. We spent the rest of the day watching Tim Burton movies and eating cake. That was it, and it was perfect. A year ago, I never would have imagined that I'd be in the place I am now, living the life I am. A year ago, I didn't know time was running down for my Mom and I.

I miss her. I miss all the little things she would do. I miss oatmeal cookies in the oven and my favorite butternut squash soup simmering on the stove. I miss waking up on my birthday and knowing that we'd spend the day doing something fun. I just miss my Mom.

I'm going to try my best to have fun today. Duia has something planned that she won't tell me, so I'm in for something fun, and on Monday Cary is taking all of us to this bar downtown where you can play skiball. I'm going to try.

Had an interview today with a stationary store and I think it went really well. Based on working at William Arthur and my mad computer skillz, I think there's a pretty good chance I'll get this. Which is a really good thing because I was starting to seriously consider selling my plasma. The pay is only a little bit less than what I made at William Arthur too.

Other than the job search, not much has been going on. Duia's Mom and her sisters came to visit for a few days. They're all pretty awesome. Duia's littlest sister totally reminds me of myself. She's adorable and a total nerd.

Being around Duia's Mom was nice but also really really hard. Seeing all three of them doing mother daughter stuff just reminded me that I don't get to do that anymore. Of course, there's really not a whole lot that doesn't remind me of that.

I talked to Scott from William Arthur today. Scott's an awesome guy. I always called him my work husband, not because there was any romantic stuff but because he was always there for me to talk to. And because I fed him pie.

I've pretty much decided that I will be going to Boston next month for Duia's friend's wedding. I'm hoping I can see Scott, Aaron, and Dave. I shouldn't spend the money AT ALL, but everything that's happened in my life recently has made me desperately crave something familiar. And New England is familiar.

I've been slowly coming to the realization that it's going to be a long long time (if ever) until anyplace feels like "home" to me. Texas makes me miss seeing green things. It makes me miss that first bite in the air that says fall is coming. It makes me miss the masses of orange gold red brown leaves hanging from the trees like jewels. It makes me miss the way the mountains look like they're burning when the maple leaves turn, and the first taste of cider in Vermont. But no matter how much I might miss those things, I can't go back because there's nothing to go back TO. If I walk through the streets of Stowe or Newburyport or Keene, I'll see the charm and the familiarity of those places, but I'll also know that I'm missing someone who's supposed to be walking with me.

You see, I always talked about how I grew up Winchester style, moving from state to state and never having any real roots and how it never bothered me. That was and still is 100% true. I never cared where my home was because wherever we were WAS home. But suddenly I'm adrift in the world and NO PLACE feels like home. And I know it's only been seven months. I know that New Hampshire or Vermont or Virginia or North Carolina wouldn't feel like home either. I know there are no easy answers to this. I know that there's no fix to this.

This was supposed to be a happy entry about how I hopefully will have a job soon, but talking to Scott just made me remember the way things used to be and how I didn't even know how happy I was.

Today's the day.

It's finally here.

It's almost noon, and I leave around six to pick duia up at the airport in Richmond. From there, I'll drive into my new life with her riding shotgun.

Everything is packed. My stuff has been enroute since last Friday. I have a full tank of gas, a GPS, and 18 mix cds. I have a plan. I have a future.

I never thought I'd end up here. I wish things would have been different, but all wishes don't come true.

I know Texas is going to be fabulous. All of Duia's awesome friends are going to become MY awesome friends. I'm going to make pies and decorate the house and bask in the 100+ degree heat. I'm going to have adventures, and I'm going to have those adventures because I'm the person my Mom made me.

There are things I'll miss. I'll miss my grandma. She drives me crazy sometimes, but I love her. I know my father is massively bummed that I'm moving to the other side of the country so soon after meeting me, but that's what planes are for! I've never flown before, so I''m just going to have to hum Metallica to calm me down.

This is really happening. After months and months of planning and hoping and endless setbacks, this is really happening.

Today is the 6th of May, making it five months since I lost my Mom. The day seems appropriate somehow.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to every one of you who has been here, reading and commenting and just being there through the worst part of my life. I love you all. Hopefully the entries will start to be a little brighter soon.

Expect tons of voiceposts, twitters, and random comments from the road. This trip is going to be LEGENDARY.

Wish me luck.

This time last year, Mom and I were counting down the last few days until my vacation when we could go down to Charlotte. We were eagerly looking forward to June and the chance to leave Maine behind forever. We were happy. If you would have told me last year what my life would be like a year later, I'd think you were making a pretty sick April Fool's joke.

Duia and I think we've found a house. I'll post more details about it once we know it's ours because I don't want to jinx it.

I'm just so afraid that I'm going to do the wrong thing. I know all Mum wants for me is to be as happy as I can. I know I was a good daughter. I just keep thinking about all the time I wasted, all the time I spent on stupid shit that I didn't even WANT to do but felt obligated to like all the bullshit with Laura's wedding. I took a trip to Salem in early October. I HATE Salem. That was one of the last few days she had before she got really sick again and I wasted it.

This week's One Tree Hill had a scene where Peyton was making this box of stuff to leave for her baby - drawings, letters, stuff like that. The reason Peyton was doing this was because her doctors told her that there was a very large chance that having the baby would kill her. Now this scene had me sobbing because I wish Mum would have left me a box of stuff like that, but she wasn't a person who kept a journal and she hated having her picture taken. But then I thought about that episode and it made me really want to punch Peyton for how selfish she's being. Imagine how that kid will feel when it grows up and learns that it killed its mother? My Mother didn't die because of me, and I still feel like it's my fault. WTF tv? You're supposed to be distractingly comforting!

I'm just so lonely. I've never been alone before. I was either living with my Mom or she was a phone call away. I mean, if I would get bored at work, I'd call her even though I'd be going home in a few hours. I still have her number in my phone. It's been disconnected, but I still call it sometimes just to see "Mum" flash on the screen with the little purple flower icon I gave her.

I just miss her. I've been watching Supernatural with my grandma. She's never seen the show and she really has no idea what it's about, but she thinks the boys are cute. I miss having Mum call me at work to tell me how awesome the episode was. She did that during "Lazarus Rising." I had like three hours left in my shift and she spent like ten minutes raving about it and saying that we had to watch it as soon as I got home at 1 AM. And we did.

I miss that.

I talked to duia today and she told me about this fabulous mall in Austin called The Domain and declared that "they're building a Nordstrom just for you!" and my first impulse was still to yell to Mom in the next room. Nordstrom was kind of our store. We loved shopping there, loved the cafe, loved the whole feel of the place.

Part of me still keeps hoping that I'm going to wake up in my room in Maine and this will all be a bad dream. I just miss her so much.

This might be where Duia and I are living if it's still available in like six weeks. It's lovely and cheap and it has a yard for the puppies. It's pretty much perfect.

Last Friday I got the check for Mom's life insurance. For the first time in my life I held a check for $20,000 in my hand and I wanted to burn it. Instead I cashed it. I'm going to pay off my credit card, save about six grand in case it takes me awhile to get a job, and use the rest as a hefty down payment on my new car.

Next week I'm buying a red Toyotal Yaris Hatchback. Mom and I test drove one over the summer. She was supposed to be there with me when I bought the car.

Someday I want to take Duia to Charlotte and show her the city. I want to walk the streets and imagine the life I was supposed to have. I try to think about before Mom got sick and I feel like I can't remember anything, not really. I feel like all the misery of the last few months just pushed the rest of my life out of my mind. I just really want to wake up.

The only person who knows this is Duia, but I signed up to do NANO last year. My plan was to write a kind of memoir about everything Mum and I went through with the treatments and the surgeries and how much I loved her. I planned to write it in November, blaze through any editing in the first week of December and send it off to Lulu for a quick self-publish so I could give it to her for Christmas. I didn't tell her I was going to write it because I wanted it to be a surprise.

Two months ago today, Mum was feeling great. She was admitted to the hospital the night before, and they had given her lots of morphine to make her head feel better and she was doing amazingly. It was a Saturday. I called her up when I woke up and she told me she was feeling so much better. I told her I'd be around to visit after lunch because I wanted to clean the house up before she came home. We were both figuring that she'd probably come home Monday or Tuesday.

I arrived at the hospital and we spent the day together. I don't remember exactly what we did, probably watched the food channel. We shared the piece of lemon meringue pie that came with the hospital tray, and we talked and we were both so hopeful. I was so happy that she was feeling better.

We were both bummed that we had missed Halloween, but I told her that I was pausing the month and we'd have Halloween when she got home. I had the most perfect pumpkin waiting in the kitchen for us to carve. I never did carve that pumpkin. Eventually it started to shrivel and I put it out on the porch where it withered and rotted. But when I bought it at the grocery store it was perfect. Halloween was always our favorite holiday.

I stayed until seven or eight o'clock. I told Mom I was going to hit the post Halloween candy sales at Target and go to bed early since I'd had to work late the night before. I called her again when I got home to tell her about the cute Halloween scrapbook I had gotten on sale. I told her we could fill it with pictures from our first Halloween in Charlotte. After I got off the phone, this is what I wrote.


( My NANO )

***

That was the first and only day I wrote anything. Mum started acting odd in the next few days. I spent exhausting hours trying to make doctors and nurses understand that "No she doesn't have fucking depression. Something is wrong. Why won't you listen to me? This isn't how she normally is. Something is wrong! Please listen to me. Please." Things just got worse and worse and before I knew it she was gone.

I look back that those two pages, and I see so much hope in them. So much love. I really cannot believe that this was only two months ago. It feels like it's been years. I wish I would have told her I was writing this. I always showed her what I wrote in the past, but I wanted to be able to hand her a book and say, "I wrote this for you."

Someday, I'll finish it, but that day is far in the future, and it's going to be a very different book than what it started out as.