Two months

[sacrilicious13]

Two months feels like such a long time, but it's only the beginning.

Last night I also yelled for her when Bobby showed up on Supernatural. She would have loved the ep.

I drive around town in my zippy little car, and I can almost hear her telling me to "turn off that short redneck and put on some Zeppelin!" (Mum didn't like Kane, but I forgave her.)

Grace from the hospital emailed me today. Grace is this wonderful lady who is a financial advisor for patients at the hospital in Maine. She really liked my Mom, and she always checked up on us. When things started to go really bad, she was constantly calling me to make sure I was eating and sleeping and occasionally leaving the hospital. Grace is an amazing amazing lady.

Lately, I've been blaming myself. A lot. I've been asking myself HOW I didn't see that she was getting worse. I've been torturing myself with wondering how long Mum thought she was sick before she got so bad that she couldn't hide it. I've been asking myself why she didn't let me know something was wrong because even if she didn't have insurance, I would have paid for her to go to the doctor. I know it's stupid to think that. I told duia as much last night and she said, "You know your Mom would call you a tard for thinking that." I know she would. I know that my Mom doesn't blame me for not being able to save her. Intellectually I know that there's nothing else I could have done. Emotionally....that's another story.

Anyway, the email Grace sent me had this bit of advice - That journey through grief is something everyone who has lost someone they love has to endure. It has a process all it's own and it's different for everyone. I think that one of the hallmarks of the beginning of the whole process is just missing the person who died so much! This is the first time in your entire life that she hasn't been there for you, and with you, so of course you are going to miss her so much! And then, like I did, you start to "re-live" everything, from the time she was first diagnosed, and then you start to second and third and maybe twenty-guess yourself about everything. "Now it seems so clear! Why wasn't it clear then?? Why didn't I see that?? Why didn't I do something when that happened??" And the torture keeps going until you feel like you could scream. That's when I started going to a support group, and learned that it's all "normal" to do that, it's part of the process, and it's "ok" to do it. What will finally happen is that you will finally come to know that you did the best you could, she did the best she could, and the outcome could not be changed by either one of you.

I know Grace is right. I know that there's no way that I could have known what was going to happen. I know it wasn't my fault but I still feel like a failure because she always took such good care of me and in the end, everything I did for her wasn't enough. I know I need to stop torturing myself over this, but saying it and actually doing it are two very different things.

I finally managed to get some fairly good pictures of the necklace I mentioned a few entries back. The front has my Mom's thumbprint engraved on it.



And the back has the words "Hold you forever..." engraved on it from the song "Baby Don't You Cry (The Pie Song)" by Quincy Coleman.



That was sort of our song. It's the theme from the movie "Waitress." I would sing it to my pies when I was baking, and when Mum was in the hospital and couldn't talk and hardly knew me I would sing the song over and over again. I sang it to her on that last awful day two months ago when she was dying in the nursing home. When I was alone with her in the room at three in the morning, trying the grasp the fact that my mother was gone, I sang it to her. When I stood in the funeral home and looked at her for the last time, I sang it to her. And sometimes now, I run my hand over the box with her ashes in it and I whisper the words to her.

When the world is grey and bleek
baby don't you cry
I will give you every bit of love
that's in my heart
I will bake it up
in to a simple little pie

Baby don't you cry
gonna make a pie
gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle
Baby don't be blue
gonna make for you
gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle

Gonna be a pie from heaven above
gonna be filled with strawberry love
Baby don't you cry
gonna make a pie
Hold you forever in the middle of my heart

Baby here's the sun
baby here's the sky
Baby I'm your ride and
I'm your shelter
baby you are mine
I could freeze the time
keep you in my kitchen
with me forever

Gonna be a pie from heaven above
gonna be fillled with strawberry love
Baby don't you cry
gonna make a pie
and hold you forever in the middle of my heart

Gonna bake a pie from heaven above
gonna be filled with butterscotch love
Gonna bake a pie from heaven above
gonna be filled with bananacream love
Baby don't you cry
gonna bake a pie
hold you forever
hold you forever
Hold you forever in the middle of my heart

Comments

[janissa11.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight*

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

::Hugs back and pets the tiny tiny bunny in your icon::

[torificus.livejournal.com]

:(

[oaktree89.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. My well-wishes are with you- all my condolences.

The necklace is so beautiful. I'm sure your mom would have loved it.

[lizzyrose89.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[deevious4.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, hon.

You did everything you humanly could. You know it. Stop blaming yourself. If only it was that easy :'(

*hugs*

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

I wish I could stop. "What if" is pretty much the worst thing ever to think and impossible to stop. :-( Mum would smack me upside the head for thinking it too.