April 1st

[sacrilicious13]

This time last year, Mom and I were counting down the last few days until my vacation when we could go down to Charlotte. We were eagerly looking forward to June and the chance to leave Maine behind forever. We were happy. If you would have told me last year what my life would be like a year later, I'd think you were making a pretty sick April Fool's joke.

Duia and I think we've found a house. I'll post more details about it once we know it's ours because I don't want to jinx it.

I'm just so afraid that I'm going to do the wrong thing. I know all Mum wants for me is to be as happy as I can. I know I was a good daughter. I just keep thinking about all the time I wasted, all the time I spent on stupid shit that I didn't even WANT to do but felt obligated to like all the bullshit with Laura's wedding. I took a trip to Salem in early October. I HATE Salem. That was one of the last few days she had before she got really sick again and I wasted it.

This week's One Tree Hill had a scene where Peyton was making this box of stuff to leave for her baby - drawings, letters, stuff like that. The reason Peyton was doing this was because her doctors told her that there was a very large chance that having the baby would kill her. Now this scene had me sobbing because I wish Mum would have left me a box of stuff like that, but she wasn't a person who kept a journal and she hated having her picture taken. But then I thought about that episode and it made me really want to punch Peyton for how selfish she's being. Imagine how that kid will feel when it grows up and learns that it killed its mother? My Mother didn't die because of me, and I still feel like it's my fault. WTF tv? You're supposed to be distractingly comforting!

I'm just so lonely. I've never been alone before. I was either living with my Mom or she was a phone call away. I mean, if I would get bored at work, I'd call her even though I'd be going home in a few hours. I still have her number in my phone. It's been disconnected, but I still call it sometimes just to see "Mum" flash on the screen with the little purple flower icon I gave her.

I just miss her. I've been watching Supernatural with my grandma. She's never seen the show and she really has no idea what it's about, but she thinks the boys are cute. I miss having Mum call me at work to tell me how awesome the episode was. She did that during "Lazarus Rising." I had like three hours left in my shift and she spent like ten minutes raving about it and saying that we had to watch it as soon as I got home at 1 AM. And we did.

I miss that.

Comments

[oaktree89.livejournal.com]

I hope you guys get the house of your dreams.
I don't know if it's appropriate for me to say, since I don't know you that well, but I don't think you should ever feel as though you wasted time, or as though anything was in any way your fault. Looking back, there are always things we wish we'd done or hadn't done, but in the moment, how could anyone one know what the future would bring? No one could.
I wish that I was better at giving advice, or giving comfort- but for what it's worth, I send you a hug.

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

It's just hard because I know that none of this was my fault. And I know my Mom wants me to be happy and doesn't want me to blame myself. I know I did everything I could. There was not a single day that she was in the hospital that I didn't at least spend an hour with her. And usually it was a lot longer than that.

Near the end, it was just so hard to see her in that state that I wasn't spending as much time in the hospital. I stayed for like two hours instead of the six, seven, eight hours I would stay at the hospital when she was in better shape. And I wish I had stayed longer but seeing her like that just hurt so much. I know she would understand, but I wish I had just stayed with her every minute.

I just miss her. There's so much that I'm not going to get to share with her whether it's mocking the "Twilight" movies or decorating my new house or giving me her own brand of motherly advice.

It's just so hard to believe that her surgery was six months ago yesterday. Six months ago today, I was at work right now talking on the phone to my Mom because she had just watched "In the Beginning" and had to call me from her hospital bed to tell me what an awesome episode it was. Amazing what six months can bring. Not a good amazing either.

The virtual hugs are good. And you'll have to come visit the fandom house in Austin. It's going to be pretty fab.

[oaktree89.livejournal.com]

It's hard. There's not much else to say except that it's really, really, unfairly hard.

Thank you for your offer- If I ever happen to be in Texas, I'll let you know ; D