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sacrilicious13In a few minutes it will be October 1.
October 1 was the day my Mom had her surgery.
I posted two entries on October 1 of 2008. One was a few minutes after midnight, a short entry recapping a quiet day we spent together enjoying autumn and not talking about what would be happening in a few hours.
We drove down to Ogunquit Beach and walked around town, and we then we walked on the beach and watched the tiny little sandpipers run around and be adorable. It was a good day.
Wish us luck.
The second entry was filled with so much happiness that it hurts to read. I was exhausted by 9pm, drained by a long and emotional day but I was so so happy because the doctors gave her a clean bill of health. We both thought it was over.
Mum's resting comfortably in the hospital tonight, and I feel like I'm relaxed for the first time in months. I didn't even realize until a few hours ago that today was the first day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I think that was a pretty good sign.
Thank you everyone for all your support through this. This road isn't over yet, but it just got a lot brighter.
That light at the end of the tunnel? Turned out it was a train.
October was always my favorite month. Pumpkins, Halloween, the leaves changing...I pretty much wait the entire year for those 31 days. I love the entire holiday season. Halloween (which really starts in late August to me), Thanksgiving, Christmas...I love everything about the season. Mom and I always went all out with Halloween and our Thanksgivings and Christmases may have been quiet and low key, but they were perfect. We would eat Thanksgiving dinner in our pyjamas and bake gingerbread cookies while the snow fell outside. That was my life, and I loved everything about it.
Last year the pain was fresh, the grief was crippling to the point that I couldn't function. Now, the wound has scabbed over but it didn't heal properly. It has settled into a constant ache that is almost worse than the sharp new pain because I've forgotten what normal feels like. I've stopped believing that I'll wake up and this will all be a bad dream. I don't talk about it as much because I feel like other people might wonder why I'm still wrecked.
I have a new job that might actually solve all my financial problems. I have new friends. My favorite holiday is coming up. October 1, 2008 I was happier than I had been in ages. I had HOPE and I saw the future spread out before both of us. October 1, 2009 and nothing is what I wanted it to be.
October 1. The first day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
October 1, and I still wish it had been me.
October 1 was the day my Mom had her surgery.
I posted two entries on October 1 of 2008. One was a few minutes after midnight, a short entry recapping a quiet day we spent together enjoying autumn and not talking about what would be happening in a few hours.
We drove down to Ogunquit Beach and walked around town, and we then we walked on the beach and watched the tiny little sandpipers run around and be adorable. It was a good day.
Wish us luck.
The second entry was filled with so much happiness that it hurts to read. I was exhausted by 9pm, drained by a long and emotional day but I was so so happy because the doctors gave her a clean bill of health. We both thought it was over.
Mum's resting comfortably in the hospital tonight, and I feel like I'm relaxed for the first time in months. I didn't even realize until a few hours ago that today was the first day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I think that was a pretty good sign.
Thank you everyone for all your support through this. This road isn't over yet, but it just got a lot brighter.
That light at the end of the tunnel? Turned out it was a train.
October was always my favorite month. Pumpkins, Halloween, the leaves changing...I pretty much wait the entire year for those 31 days. I love the entire holiday season. Halloween (which really starts in late August to me), Thanksgiving, Christmas...I love everything about the season. Mom and I always went all out with Halloween and our Thanksgivings and Christmases may have been quiet and low key, but they were perfect. We would eat Thanksgiving dinner in our pyjamas and bake gingerbread cookies while the snow fell outside. That was my life, and I loved everything about it.
Last year the pain was fresh, the grief was crippling to the point that I couldn't function. Now, the wound has scabbed over but it didn't heal properly. It has settled into a constant ache that is almost worse than the sharp new pain because I've forgotten what normal feels like. I've stopped believing that I'll wake up and this will all be a bad dream. I don't talk about it as much because I feel like other people might wonder why I'm still wrecked.
I have a new job that might actually solve all my financial problems. I have new friends. My favorite holiday is coming up. October 1, 2008 I was happier than I had been in ages. I had HOPE and I saw the future spread out before both of us. October 1, 2009 and nothing is what I wanted it to be.
October 1. The first day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
October 1, and I still wish it had been me.
