And what do I have to be Thankful for?

[sacrilicious13]

duia has been here for a week, and she has been beyond awesome. I'm dreading next Wednesday when she leaves. The thought of being in this empty, silent house and having nothing but my thoughts and fears. . . it's not appealing. Having her here distracts me from constantly worrying about Mum and forces me to leave the hospital.

On Wednesday they moved Mum from the hospital back to the rehab center in Kennebunk. She's finished with radiation, but Dr. Deisler told me that she has to take the chemo pill every day for the rest of her life. Then Dr. Deisler said to me point blank, "She will die from this." At nine in the morning on Tuesday, I started my day with my heart being ripped out and spent the rest of the day breaking down every few minutes.

Mum does seem a lot better. I'd say she's at about 40% mentally. She knows me and Duia 100% of the time. She knows she's in the hospital. She tells me that she's feeling a lot better. Getting her to eat is still an extreme challenge. In about two hours today I got her to take three bites of food.

She still gets confused a lot. She talks about taking me and Duia and driving down to Lynchburg and Charlotte. She wants out of Maine as badly as I do.

I have to keep hoping for a miracle where she comes back and is 100% lucid again. I have to keep hoping that she gets well so that we can leave this cursed hellhole of a state.

There is a plastic container in the kitchen with four gingerbread cookies shaped like pumpkins, the last of a huge batch she made in the middle of October, when life was still good and we had a future. I don't know I'll do when the last cookie is gone.

Thanksgiving was today and Duia and I cooked and it was delicious and fun. Last year that worthless sack of filth Kyle was in my house and Mum made her incredible carrot cake and we had turkey. I don't know how to make her carrot cake or her gingerbread or the magic lemon frosting. She never wrote down any of her recipes, and now I don't know how to make them. There's one container of soup she made in the freezer and four cookies.

It's Christmas so soon, and she won't be home to decorate the tree with me or bake cookies or help me wrap presents so they actually look nice. The best presents I ever got were always the ones she gave me because she knew what I wanted without having to ask. She knew what I wanted before I knew. It wasn't the stuff that mattered, it was how well she knew me.

We were supposed to have a great Christmas this year, celebrating her beating the breast cancer. I can't believe I wasted last Christmas being so upset over that useless scumbag when it was the last Christmas she was healthy.

Carol from bookmooch sent this lovely box of presents for us, wrapped in bright colored Christmas paper. The box is still sitting in the living room because it hurts to look at them and think of what Christmas will be like from now on.

Duia and I watched last week's Supernatural, and I can say with absolute 100% certainty that if a crossroads demon, the YED, or any other creature out there offered me Mum's life in exchange for my soul, I'd do it. I wouldn't even hesitate. That's a frightening realization to come to.

I know one other thing for certain. Once this is all over, whether Mum is lucky enough to get well enough to leave with me or if I lose her, I will never set foot in the state of Maine again. This land is cursed. There is nothing worth enough to make me come back to the place that ruined my life.

Comments

[allira-dream.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry. I wish I could say anything at all other than 'I understand how you feel' because those are the most dreadful, horrible words in any language.

But I DO understand and I'm so sorry, and if I lived in the same country, never mind the same state, I'd do my best to be there and keep you company.

[torificus.livejournal.com]

:[


I wish life wasn't being such a cunt to you. I wish you could keep Duia for as long as you need her.

[heidi8.livejournal.com]

I don't have anything particularly smart or sensible to say but I wanted to send a massive hug to you and your family today.

[oaktree89.livejournal.com]

I know there's nothing anyone can say that will fix anything, or make you really feel better, but all the same my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[ghoulchick.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, sweetie. I can see how deeply you and your mom love each other, and this whole situation just sucks. My heart hurts for you both.

[lizzyrose89.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

[deevious4.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, hon. There's nothing I can say to make things better, I wish more than anything there was. I wish I could take your hurt away and flush it down the toilet where it belongs. I wish I was a doctor so I could cure cancer for your mum. I'll visit you soon after Xmas and bring cake and cookies that won't even begin to measure up to your mom's awesome ones. I wish I could do more. I hope a miracle happens and those fucking doctors are wrong.

Love you.