In which my life resembles a soap opera and/or One Tree Hill

[sacrilicious13]

Okay guys. I have a story to tell you. It's kind of batshit crazy. Actually scratch the "kind of" part. It IS batshit crazy. But such is my life.

Some of you know that my father was a German guy, from Hamburg to be exact. He was a good guy but rather tortured due to growing up in the German countryside under Hitler's reign. That would screw up anybody. He split with my Mom when I was pretty young and disappeared from our lives forever when I was ten. We never heard from him again. When I was 24, my Mom found one of his old friends online and she told her that he had died when I was 18. I was sad because I had wanted to meet him someday as an adult. I was sad, but I got over it in like a week because it's hard to grieve over something you never really had, plus I already had all the parent I could possibly need in my Mom. So I moved on.

Fast forward to late February. I was going through my Mom's papers looking for last year's tax forms to figure out the insanity of government forms, and I come across her marriage license. The name on that marriage license is not the one I am expecting. WTF?

Now I should probably add that the last name that my Mom and I have is not my Mom's maiden name, nor is it the German guy's last name. I never knew where my last name came from, and I never asked my Mom because I genuinely didn't care. duia has told me that I must have been ridiculously respectful of her privacy, and that is true somewhat, but it's also true that I just didn't care enough to ask. Maybe that makes me weird, but I digress.

Back to the original narrative. I have a habit of friending EVERYONE who friends me back whether it's on facebook, LJ, goggletalk, myspace, whatever. The only people who get denied friending are either 1. People who have SERIOUSLY pissed me off or 2. Pervy, unattractive guys with bad spelling hitting on me on myspace. (I fucking hate myspace.) So 99% of the time, I'm accepting of friending requests. So in November someone with this guy's name (I'm not f-locking this so we're going to say Britt O.) friends me on goggletalk. I have never heard this name in my life. I kind of giggle and say "Hey they've got the same last name as me. Maybe we're cousins or something" but other than that I just accept the friend request an move on because quite frankly, I have more pressing things on my mind with my Mom.

After I see the marriage certificate, I'm confused and a bit curious. I make a half-assed effort to goggle his name but nothing comes up, so I shrug and go back to wallowing in abject misery.

Until the next time I login to gmail. I use goggletalk because duia is allergic to AIM, and when I open the little goggletalk client thingy, I see that name listed. And I have the "lightbulb moment" immediately followed by the "WTF SERIOUSLY?" moment. So I send him a message saying "Hey you added me a few months ago, and I was just wondering if we knew each other." Short and to the point.

A couple days pass and I'm ready to write the whole thing off as a weird coincidence when I get an email back that says "I'm the guy in this picture." Attached is a photo of him and my Mom.

NAS' BRAIN GO SPLODEY.

I found out that he has been searching for me on the internet pretty much since the internet started. I've had this LJ for like nine years, and I guess he found it about 5 years ago, but he said he didn't want to interrupt my life and he was hoping I'd look for him. Of course, I had no idea he existed.

(I just have to say, DUDE HE HAS BEEN READING THIS JOURNAL FOR YEARS. THIS UNLOCKED JOURNAL THAT IS FILLED WITH WINCEST AND BLASPHEMY AND PORN AND duia. SRSLY. If that isn't a crash course in me, I don't know what is. Luckily I had my shame removed around the same time I got my wisdom teeth out. Mom knew about fandom, and it amused her, so I never had a reason to f-lock anything. And I still don't cause, he's read it all already!)

We emailed back and forth for like two weeks before I talked to my grandma about this. She said that she always thought I should know that the German guy wasn't my father, but it wasn't her place to tell me, but if Britt seemed nice that she thought I should get to know him.

I wish my Mom had told me so I wasn't so completely blindsided and massively conflicted about this. Everyone reading this knows how much I love my Mom. In all seriousness, I tried to SELL MY SOUL for her just on the off chance that it worked, and if it would have - I would have done it. If Lucifer himself would have walked into that hospital and told me he'd save my Mom, but it would kill half the eastern seaboard - I would have done it.

The truth is, I'm not mad at her for never telling me who my father is. I like the life we had. We had adventures, and we would have kept having adventures for the rest of our lives if she wouldn't have gotten sick. And her being married or even having a stable father figure in my life would have made that impossible. We couldn't have had the crazy Winchester nomad life we had. And I liked that life. It wasn't always easy, but I was never alone.

My friend Aaron said that he figured my Mom was a lot like me where when she's done with a guy, she's DONE. And I totally understand that. When I break up with someone, I kind of want them to die horribly or move to another country (or even better, move to another country and die horribly!). So I get that. And I'm 100% okay with that.

That's probably surprising to some people. I guess I'm supposed to feel betrayed or something. But the truth is if I had grown up in a stable, normal home with two parents (married or not) and had a normal life, I probably wouldn't have had the relationship I had with my Mom. From the day I was born until the day she died, it was the two of us against the world. There's exactly one other person on the PLANET that I trust as much as I trust my Mom, that I feel comfortable with telling absolutely everything to, and that's duia, and despite feeling like I've know her forever, we've only known each other for three years. So for most of my life I've had the Winchester hierarchy in my world only Mom was John and Sam rolled into one. (HEY duia, DOES THAT MAKE YOU CASTIEL? YOU ARE MY BELOVED NEW SERIES REGULAR!)

I think that's why Joe was always at such odds with my Mom. He was massively jealous of her because he couldn't seem to realize that I will ALWAYS pick her. Even now. We actually got into a bit of an argument over the summer when I broke the news that we'd be moving to North Carolina when Mom got well. He accused me of "letting her drag me wherever she felt like." No one was dragging me. I was riding shotgun into that future, and I was happy for it.

I just don't want it to seem like I'm trying to replace her. Wherever she is, I don't want her to think that I'm okay with her being gone just because I apparently have a father now. Because I will never EVER be okay with her being gone. I still miss her every minute. The list of things that I wouldn't do to bring her back is VERY VERY short. I just don't want her to feel like I'm replacing her.

On Friday, I am driving to Maryland where he lives to spend like 4 days up there meeting his entire family. I can't believe this is happening in like two days. I'll be meeting his brothers and his parents and my cousins AND PRAISE THE LORD I DO NOT HAVE ANY SIBLINGS CAUSE I WAS NOT OKAY WITH THAT PROSPECT. I'm massively nervous because I'm okay with not knowing anyone at a party as long as there is at least one person that I do know that I can follow around if I get nervous. And there isn't going to be anyone I know there. So nervous. OMG nervous. Will probably be twittering and texting just to keep hands busy.

So that's my story AND SERIOUSLY MY LIFE IS A COUNTRY SONG AND HI MY NAME IS PEYTON SAWYER.

Comments

[duia.livejournal.com]

You don't ever have to worry about your mom not being proud of a decision you've made, and you know that.


I'm really excited for you. This is going to be weird and new, but good.

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

<3

Very weird. I really should write a screenplay. I think I want Nathan Fillion to play my father.

(PS - You're going to be watching "Castle" when I get there. It's adorable.)

[blondiusmaximus.livejournal.com]

THAT IS CERTAINLY A NEW LIFE ADVENTURE. I wish you all the best! It doesn't sound like the easiest situation but it could turn out to be a really good one. <3

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

It's just BUCKETS OF CRAZY isn't it? But hopefully, it will be okay.

[oaktree89.livejournal.com]

0_o
Wow. That's... a lot. Must be mind-boggling.

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

SO MUCH BOGGLE.

o_0 is pretty much how I've looked for AWHILE.

[allira-dream.livejournal.com]

I think your mom knows that you won't ever replace her, and this is more like her still looking over you, you know? Perhaps sending not-a-parent but perhaps another friend you can have around to help. Moms always know best, after all.

SO! As crazy as this is, I wish you the best of lucks with this!

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the good wishes! This is just so freaking crazy though. I swear, my life is the stuff of Dawson's Creek.

[allira-dream.livejournal.com]

Do what I do when my life decides to deliver me a new plot twist: think that one day you're gonna write this and people are gonna pay you for your life.

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

As long as it means people will write fic about my life too! ;-)

[atrophic-dwarf.livejournal.com]

I feel validated knowing this already. :-) And, when you're there, you can always call me if you get nervous or scared or whatever. I'll make sure you have the number.

Love you.

[deevious4.livejournal.com]

Your mum will always be proud of you, and never think that you are replacing her, of that I have no doubt.

Good luck with the party, and know that if you need someone to talk to, I'm only a phone call away!

*hugs*

[kingnixon.livejournal.com]

you assume we're not already :]

[moonlightstorm.livejournal.com]

That is really, really crazy. I hope meeting everyone goes well. Hopefully it'll be one of those things that are scary and intimidating to get through, but afterward you're just happy about it.

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

WOOT!

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

You should feel validated. :-)

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

<3 thanks. ::hugs back::

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

Beyond crazy. And I'm sure that everything will work out okay, it's just nerve-wracking to think about.