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There's been a lot of progress on the house since my last entry. We have a foundation, and tomorrow they should be starting the frame. Two months from now, I'll probably be moving into my house. I'm beyond excited. I can't wait to paint the walls and decorate and make it mine.
I'm going to have a HOUSE. I have a job that I seem to be pretty good at, and that I like most of the time. I have amazing friends. I'm actually happy a lot of the time, something I never would have believed was possible a year ago.
Sometimes it still hits me though, like a knife between my ribs, that my Mom isn't here. I MISS her. It's been almost a year and a half. When I pause and think about that it shocks me that so much time has passed. The person I used to be doesn't exist anymore. I like this new Nastassia, but sometimes I wonder if my Mom would even recognize me now.
A tiny part of me still feels like I'm betraying her by being happy, but the majority of me knows that I'm just being stupid. I know she'd be proud of me for getting a house. It was all we ever really wanted. Want to hear something ironic? The company that is building my house, KB Homes, has a neighborhood in Charlotte, NC. Way back in early 2008 on the last vacation we had before Mom got sick we looked at them. We loved the houses and were going to try to get one when our lease was up in Maine. I didn't even realize it until I was looking at their site a couple weeks ago. Maybe that's the reason I didn't even want to look at any other neighborhoods. Maybe my subconscious remembered walking through those houses in North Carolina with my Mom and dreaming.
I just miss her. I know that goes without saying, but getting this house is one of the biggest events of my life. The idea of getting married someday isn't even something that registers as a possibility in my brain. The behavior of Shitbag Asshole (why yes that is his proper name) made me realize that I've never really be happy in any of the relationships I've had, and that I'd rather be single and surrounded by my friends than waste time on bitches like him. Yet another thing that I inherited from my Mom, a low tolerance for people who are complete wastes of space.
I miss talking to her. This huge thing is happening in my life. It's awesome and kind of scary, and I just want my Mom. I want to show her my land and watch with her as it becomes a foundation and a frame and then finally a house. I want her to be here.
I'm going to have a HOUSE. I have a job that I seem to be pretty good at, and that I like most of the time. I have amazing friends. I'm actually happy a lot of the time, something I never would have believed was possible a year ago.
Sometimes it still hits me though, like a knife between my ribs, that my Mom isn't here. I MISS her. It's been almost a year and a half. When I pause and think about that it shocks me that so much time has passed. The person I used to be doesn't exist anymore. I like this new Nastassia, but sometimes I wonder if my Mom would even recognize me now.
A tiny part of me still feels like I'm betraying her by being happy, but the majority of me knows that I'm just being stupid. I know she'd be proud of me for getting a house. It was all we ever really wanted. Want to hear something ironic? The company that is building my house, KB Homes, has a neighborhood in Charlotte, NC. Way back in early 2008 on the last vacation we had before Mom got sick we looked at them. We loved the houses and were going to try to get one when our lease was up in Maine. I didn't even realize it until I was looking at their site a couple weeks ago. Maybe that's the reason I didn't even want to look at any other neighborhoods. Maybe my subconscious remembered walking through those houses in North Carolina with my Mom and dreaming.
I just miss her. I know that goes without saying, but getting this house is one of the biggest events of my life. The idea of getting married someday isn't even something that registers as a possibility in my brain. The behavior of Shitbag Asshole (why yes that is his proper name) made me realize that I've never really be happy in any of the relationships I've had, and that I'd rather be single and surrounded by my friends than waste time on bitches like him. Yet another thing that I inherited from my Mom, a low tolerance for people who are complete wastes of space.
I miss talking to her. This huge thing is happening in my life. It's awesome and kind of scary, and I just want my Mom. I want to show her my land and watch with her as it becomes a foundation and a frame and then finally a house. I want her to be here.
