These have been the worst few days of my entire life.

[sacrilicious13]

Mum's been in the hospital since Halloween. For close to two weeks before she was finally admitted she was getting crippling headaches that the super strong narcotics they gave her wouldn't even touch. A week before Halloween I took her into the hospital because of the headaches and because she was confused and her hands felt numb. They kept us there for six hours and then sent her home and told her to take more painkillers.

On Halloween, she had an appointment with a neurologist because they thought she had migraines. He wanted to give her an MRI but she was in so much pain that she couldn't lay still for it. After hours of me demanding that the ER doctors actually LISTEN to me, she got admitted.

The day after she was admitted, she seemed almost completely better. They had given her morphine and her headache was gone, and we were both thinking she'd probably be home within two days. Instead, she got more and more tired each day, to the point where the nurses had to shake her to wake her up.

That Friday, one week after she was admitted, she called me at 6 am with no idea where she was. She kept saying they had moved her, even though she was in the same room she'd been in for a week. It took me almost half an hour on the phone with her to get her to figure out how to push the call button to call the nurse in.

They tell me that the confusion is from the pain meds, the same pain meds she's been taking for months that have never caused more than slight drowsiness, and they discharge her from the hospital, saying there is nothing wrong with her. They send her to a nursing home/rehab clinic in Kennebunk that is a hellhole staffed by retards because she can't walk because her legs are so week after two weeks in bed.

On Wednesday the 12th, I get a call at work that they're sending her back to the hospital because she's in so much pain that she's crying constantly and massive doses of narcotics are doing nothing. I get there and she has no idea what's going on or who I am. The ER doctor is a fucking cunt and actually says to me that they'll "probably just send her back to the nursing home once they get the pain managed." I reply, "You sure as hell are not sending her back to that place" and get her admitted.

The next day she barely recognizes me, and I have to assist the neurologist when he gets a lumbar puncture. Can you imagine having to hold down your sobbing, screaming mother who has no idea what is going on while an extremely painful medical procedure is done on her? I don't have to imagine it.

Friday morning, November 14th, Dr. Deisler calls me and tells me that there are malignant cancer cells in my Mom's spinal fluid. She tells me that this is very very bad, and that even if the treatment works, my Mom might only have a year. I can't even type it without starting to cry.

They're going to start radiation on her brain and her spine in the next few days, and they also started giving her this chemotherapy in a pill on Monday. They tried to give it earlier, but she still doesn't know much of what's going on and she wouldn't take it. They let me give it to her Monday and Tuesday, and she took it.

I just need her to come back mentally. She knows who I am, and most of the time if I ask her a question, she answers me. I said to her that she can't leave me because I can't do this without her, and she said "I wouldn't go anywhere without you, sweetie."

duia offered to fly up here, and stay until December, and I took her up on it. She'll be getting here tomorrow, well I guess it's actually today at 10 pm. Not how I wanted us to meet.

She has to get better. She has to come back because I need to talk to her. I need to tell her how she's the most important person in my life. I don't know what to do. I need her to come back so she can tell me what to do.

The doctors and the nurses have been talking about "making the best of what time she has left" and "making her comfortable." They even had me verbally agree to a DNR, and I know Mum wouldn't want to be hooked up to machines but to have it even be a possibility. . . I can't even breathe.

She's my best friend, and things were finally getting better. She felt so good for two weeks after the surgery. I thought we were finally going to catch a break. I thought it was over. I can't loose her because she's my best friend and I can't do this by myself.

Comments

[amcw177.livejournal.com]

I can't possibly imagine what you're going through right now but just know that I'm sending you and your mom all the best vibes I can gather. *hugs you tight* ♥

[nippa56.livejournal.com]

man, i don't know what to say to this. hell, i don't think there's anything i could that wouldn't end up sounding trite. i can't fathom what you're going through, but you have my support, for what it's worth. i hope like hell you find the strength you need. *massive hugs*

[denorios.livejournal.com]

Oh God, sweetie. I don't know what I can possibly say. I'm so so sorry. I know that there's not really anything that can be said, but just remember that we're all here for you, and I'll be praying for your mother and for you.

[torificus.livejournal.com]

I've had this open for a while, trying to figure out what to say, and I've been looking at your name in gtalk doing the same thing. I can't imagine what you're going through, and I wish more than pretty much anything that you didn't have to go through it /period/.

I know we don't talk a lot and I don't know you very well, plus I'm on the other side of the world, but if there is fucking ANYTHING you need that I can do, don't even think about not asking.


I hope you find a magic cure, I hope they're wrong, I just hope everything comes out how it should. ♥

[deadflowerss.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you are going though this.You are in my thoughts.
*hugs*

[lizzyrose89.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.

You and your mum are in my thoughts.

[deevious4.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, I'm so so sooooo sorry about this mess you're going through right now! I can't even begin to understand how painful it is. I wish there was something I could do...is that 'donate' button still hooked up? I'll give what I can when I get home, if it is. Your mom is the best, she'll be in all my thoughts and positive-energy-sending until she gets better!!

Love you, Nasty!

[moonlightstorm.livejournal.com]

God, I'm so sorry. I know there's nothing I can say to make any of this better, but I'll be thinking good things for you and your mom.

[trystan830.livejournal.com]

oh... crap. *hugs you tight*

that's all i got....

[oaktree89.livejournal.com]

I know you hardly know me, and I hardly know you, but I am so sorry to hear about your mom. She's in my thoughts, as are you, and I hope that she gets better.
If there's anything I can do, don't hesitate.

[kantayra.livejournal.com]

I know I can't say anything to make it better, so I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. :(

[gwyntastic.livejournal.com]

Sending you and your mom good vibes. I really wish I could reach over the net and give you a hug.

[kingnixon.livejournal.com]

i'm so sorry. i love you, if you need anything let me know
i know you want to tell her she's the most important person, and i really hope you can, but she already knew.

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

<3 The only stuff I need right now are things no one can give me. duia is keeping me sane as best as she can, but I just want my Mom back the way she was before.

[marishna.livejournal.com]

I've had this post open for the past two days trying to come up with something to say, some kind of magical solution but I can't find the right words. :( You and your mom are in my thoughts.