The best you can hope for is to die in your sleep

[sacrilicious13]

New Year's Eve.

The worst year of my life will be over in a little more than four hours.

I'm glad 2008 is ending. There's really nothing that 2009 could possibly do to me that's worse than losing my Mom. I'm glad this year is over, but when the clock strikes midnight, it's not like I get a do-over. I don't get my Mom back.

It's just been amazing how horrific this year has been for everyone I know. Deaths, divorces, illnesses, and just general misery surrounded all of 2008. When I moved on the 17th, I came down with the worst sinus infection I've had in several years which made a cross country move even more enjoyable. I fell down the stairs at my uncle's house and sprained my foot causing me to walk like House for two days. My Christmas was miserable because Mom wasn't there AND on Christmas, Charlotte, the pretty red betta fish that Mom and I bought together died.

Losing my fish was pretty much the straw that broke me that day. I carried that fish in a Tupperware container all the way from Maine, and she lived for a week in Virginia before dying ON CHRISTMAS. Mom and I bought her together right after she got sick because she decided that we needed a pet. I really loved that fish.

2009 will be starting soon, and that's a good thing, but I still know that when I go to sleep tonight some small part of myself is still going to be hopeful that I won't wake up. That's not an emo cry for help or an indication that I'm going to pull a Pete Wentz and take a bottle of pills in a parking lot. It's just me feeling like nothing is every going to really matter to me again.

Comments

[ghoulchick.livejournal.com]

Oh geez, I'm sorry to hear about Charlotte. What spectacularly bad timing. :(

Selfishly, I hope that you do wake up tomorrow morning and every morning for decades to come. Maybe nothing ever will matter for you again the way it did before your mom died. But maybe it will. I hope that possibility is enough to keep getting up for, at least for now.

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

I guess I just have to try to survive one day at a time. I know that my Mom wants me to be happy and to have a good life. It's just hard knowing that this life won't include her.

[deevious4.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry about Charlotte, hon. This year really has been the worst for so many people I know--belive me, I'm celebrating the end of it over a close friend's house who lost her husband earlier this year to a massive heart attack. She's been doing amazingly well living her life since that tragic day, and I know you're strong enough to do it, too, difficult as it is.

Maybe you won't get a do-over, but do what your mum would have wanted--live a long, exciting, and fulfilling life of your own.

*hugs*

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

It was good talking to you last night. I really don't know how I'm going to get through everything without her. I guess I just have to do it one day at a time. And if you have found any good pagan LJ comms, let me know. Maybe that will make me feel a tiny bit better.

[heidi8.livejournal.com]

Hugs to you and wishes for a safe 2009.

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

Thanks and hugs back!