One year

[sacrilicious13]

April 24, 2008 was the day my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. One year ago today this nightmare started. The person I was on April 23 ceased to exist that day.

I wish I could go back and talk to that girl. I wish I could warn her of what was coming. I know that there's no way I could really prepare myself for the pain of losing my mother, but I wish I could try.

In some ways a year seems like a long time, but mostly I just find it hard to believe that it's only been twelve months. I look in the mirror and I don't look any different. My hair hasn't changed. My face is still the same, but I feel like I've aged twenty years.

I like to think that I wasn't a weak person to begin with, but I'm a lot harder now. The person I am today would never be depressed for a month over some worthless shitbag of a boy breaking up with her. Drama with friends and ex-friends seems a lot less important (though still pretty hilarious). Things that seemed crucial a year and a day ago just don't matter to me anymore.

A year ago, I thought my mother was immortal. The thought that she could be gone from my life didn't even seem like a remote possibility. The thought that I would be going to the other end of the country without her by my side would have seemed like a crazy idea. In a bit over two weeks, that crazy idea is becoming real.

I miss my old life. I miss having things be easy. Most of all I just miss my Mom.

I'm excited for road trips and new houses and summer and concerts and DUIA, and that irrational part of me still feels guilty for that excitement. I'm never going to be okay with losing my Mom. I'm never going to stop wishing there could have been another way, that I could just go to sleep tonight and have the past 365 days just be a terrible dream.

But Dumbledore said, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." Nothing is ever going to fill that void in my heart, but she wouldn't want me to give up. So I'm going to move to Texas and watch Supernatural and get a dog and open a pie shop and go to the beach and go to concerts and live. For both of us.

Tonight I'm going to watch our favorite movie, "Waitress," and remember.

I'm still sad. I'm always going to have that veil of sadness over me because she isn't there, but through that veil I can still see the sun.

Comments

[geminigrl11.livejournal.com]

I can't even imagine. But am so glad you are finding things to hold onto and trying to find your light again, even if it's not the same light. *sends huge hugs*

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

::hugs back:: I've just got to hold onto whatever I can.

[janissa11.livejournal.com]

*many, many hugs*

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

::hugs back::

[oaktree89.livejournal.com]

Dumbledore was right ; ) Much love to you.

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

Dumbledore usually is. :-)

[deevious4.livejournal.com]

It's so sad beyond words that your mum left you so early. But as you've said, you were the best of friends before that happened, you were so close to her, maybe not (definitely not) for long enough, but you had something with her that so many people never see on a level even close to that. I wish I was a tenth as close to with of my parents as you have been to your mum. We don't really have anything in common. Treasure what you had with her--I know you do. She's watching over you and will keep on loving you, wherever she is. It was unfairly taken away, but while she was here, your relationship was a beautiful thing.

**hugs**

[sacrilicious.livejournal.com]

::hugs back::